Approaching the Goal

Still going strong... 5.2lbs away from being under 200lbs. The magical number under which I will be happy and healthy and infinitely confident. Right? I am starting to realize, the closer I get to that goal, that it's not actually a threshold point after which I will be different. Yes, I will be 5.2lbs thinner than I am today, but that's not a lot considering the journey I'm on. I have to get realistic with myself and realize that I am still going to be me when I reach that mini-goal. The same me with the bodily insecurities and flailing self-confidence that comes and goes as it pleases (sometimes even within minutes or hours). The same, but different because I'll be the me that reached this goal. A goal that I have had since Feb. 2007 when I started losing weight for good, but obviously well before then as well. I do not remember a specific point in my life when I crossed that border into obesity. Middle school? High school? I've been fat my whole life, it's just my ratio of weight to height has been different throughout. So I'll guess that I haven't been under 200lbs since the middle of high school. That's a long life to be obese for. Too long. Too much missed out on. **Just to get a sense of my history I went back through my old journals and found the earliest mention of weight, which was on Thursday February 1st, 2001. I was 230lbs and I was 15. Just before turning 16 I was 225.5lbs. Then I was back up to 232lbs in early January 2002. It makes me a little sad to go back into those thoughts and relive them, but that was my life. And I am happy to say that I am slowly but surely changing it.

And I'm in new territory from here on out - each one of these 5.2lbs will be fat that I have never lost before. It's exciting and still a little scary. I'm a little sad that I won't have many people to tell when I reach my under-200 goal, because I just don't talk about that milestone with them. I have never really wanted them to know the specifics. Yes, they have known I'm fat, but they didn't know to the extent or about all my failed attempts (despite seeing the failings on my body). I want this weight loss more than I ever have. I'm going to get it and I'll see it long before my goal date whether or not other people can celebrate with me. Two weeks maybe? Three at most ? I can't wait to see what each new weight will look like.