Onederland.

It's time for a much needed update. In the past silence is usually a bad thing for me, but this time around it's certainly not. I am going strong despite a few stagnations and a few small gains (deserved and undeserved). But I am on track and ahead of my schedule (which I've already revised to be shorter than initially planned).

The biggest news of the month: I've finally hit 199(.6)lbs. I actually had a few tears when I saw the number because it's been a really long and hard struggle these past few years. Trying to find the motivation, trying to keep the motivation, just wanting to be like everyone else. I have never been this weight since being a child. Never. But it's also quite anti-climactic in that I don't feel any different from yesterday at 200.6lbs. Being in the one hundreds was a goal, but it's not the final one so there really is no stopping here to smell the roses. This body is still not where I want it to be (albeit, it's so much closer than even 4 months ago). So yes it's nice... nice to know I can do it (did do it), hopefully only 30-40lbs to go.. which if I keep going at this pace will be in another 5 months or so. I've given myself a schedule to make it to 163 (-37 more pounds) by Jan. 1/2012 which is 8 months away. I know it will get harder the closer I am to goal, so I'm just going to keep on like I've been keeping on. Take the days as they come (even if most days I just wish they'd come faster).

Boy stuff is still complicated and totally incomprehensible, so I won't really talk about it. I've spent WAY too much time thinking about something that doesn't really deserve the time. So on to better people (I hope).

I've signed up for a 10k race in early May. And I can do it. I've already run 10k routes twice now. And they are not completely flat routes. It's amazing how all my runs go... start of great in the first minute.. then hard, harder, easy, easy, medium, hills (harder), medium, medium, easy, medium.  Once I get my breath in gear and my legs warmed up I usually feel pretty good the whole time (except for the f'ning hills). And having been able to run the 10k twice now, my  mind keeps thinking of doing a half marathon someday. Maybe closer to the end of the year. It's amazing though to think that I couldn't run 2km straight last year at this time and now I am regularly running 4 times a week, about 30km and up to 10km per run. Sometimes I love my body and what it can do.

I love being able to tuck my knees close to my chest. I love wearing my pants and not having any rolls stick over them. I love getting rid of my 'big' clothes (I used to only have 'skinny' clothes). I love that my boobs stick out further than my stomach. I love my calves and how they get more and more defined each week. I love how my feet look skinnier. I love feeling strong and capable and that men should look at me. I love finding old things in my closet and how they look new on my new body. I love how I'm more confident in the bedroom. I love beating everyone's expectations of me. Especially that last one. I love beating my own expectations of myself.

So despite an intensely emotionally manic month, I am in a decent headspace at the moment. I can do this. I will do this.