Unmotivated?! Or... Super-duper Motivated!

Onederland.

2011-04-07T18:23:00.000-04:00

It's time for a much needed update. In the past silence is usually a bad thing for me, but this time around it's certainly not. I am going strong despite a few stagnations and a few small gains (deserved and undeserved). But I am on track and ahead of my schedule (which I've already revised to be shorter than initially planned).

The biggest news of the month: I've finally hit 199(.6)lbs. I actually had a few tears when I saw the number because it's been a really long and hard struggle these past few years. Trying to find the motivation, trying to keep the motivation, just wanting to be like everyone else. I have never been this weight since being a child. Never. But it's also quite anti-climactic in that I don't feel any different from yesterday at 200.6lbs. Being in the one hundreds was a goal, but it's not the final one so there really is no stopping here to smell the roses. This body is still not where I want it to be (albeit, it's so much closer than even 4 months ago). So yes it's nice... nice to know I can do it (did do it), hopefully only 30-40lbs to go.. which if I keep going at this pace will be in another 5 months or so. I've given myself a schedule to make it to 163 (-37 more pounds) by Jan. 1/2012 which is 8 months away. I know it will get harder the closer I am to goal, so I'm just going to keep on like I've been keeping on. Take the days as they come (even if most days I just wish they'd come faster).

Boy stuff is still complicated and totally incomprehensible, so I won't really talk about it. I've spent WAY too much time thinking about something that doesn't really deserve the time. So on to better people (I hope).

I've signed up for a 10k race in early May. And I can do it. I've already run 10k routes twice now. And they are not completely flat routes. It's amazing how all my runs go... start of great in the first minute.. then hard, harder, easy, easy, medium, hills (harder), medium, medium, easy, medium. Once I get my breath in gear and my legs warmed up I usually feel pretty good the whole time (except for the f'ning hills). And having been able to run the 10k twice now, my mind keeps thinking of doing a half marathon someday. Maybe closer to the end of the year. It's amazing though to think that I couldn't run 2km straight last year at this time and now I am regularly running 4 times a week, about 30km and up to 10km per run. Sometimes I love my body and what it can do.

I love being able to tuck my knees close to my chest. I love wearing my pants and not having any rolls stick over them. I love getting rid of my 'big' clothes (I used to only have 'skinny' clothes). I love that my boobs stick out further than my stomach. I love my calves and how they get more and more defined each week. I love how my feet look skinnier. I love feeling strong and capable and that men should look at me. I love finding old things in my closet and how they look new on my new body. I love how I'm more confident in the bedroom. I love beating everyone's expectations of me. Especially that last one. I love beating my own expectations of myself.

So despite an intensely emotionally manic month, I am in a decent headspace at the moment. I can do this. I will do this.

Thank god for spring

2011-03-17T12:19:00.000-04:00

I've been pretty seriously down in the dumps for the past week or so (yes... due to a boy) and it's been affecting my health and my ability to eat right.I really, really don't like admitting it much less living it, so I am happy to say that the bright - but coolish - spring day and my first outdoor run has at least taken my mind off the shitty parts of life. It's reminded me of what I am capable of and what I've been successfully doing for the past four (!!) months. And although running outdoors started out a bit tough, I really got my groove after the first kilometer. I ran just about 6.8km (4.25mi) total with only a slight walk after 4miles before booting it home. I was worried that I would run really slowly outdoors after being used to the treadmill pacing me, but it was actually just fine. I came in at about the same time as previous ~4.25mile runs and I like running at a varied pace anyway - putting my foot to the pavement with the music (although note to self: get some new music). I also secretly worried that I wouldn't be able to do it - run outside again, I mean. I remember how tough it was to slog on the treadmill after getting used to the outdoors, so I figured that going the opposite way would just be as difficult. And after all the effort I put into succeeding on the treadmill I really didn't want to go backwards and end up running slower and shorter distances than the boring-ass treadmill (I do seriously hate that thing). It would have crushed my already fragile spirit (temporarily so... but fragile nonetheless).

And no worries... I'm not actually eating horribly or anything. I'm eating well within calories, just not choosing the best options at the moment. And when I think about my boy situation it makes me want to eat just to get my mind off of it, but I haven't yet. Cheat days are still reserved for Sundays and that's the way they will stay. But the weight isn't falling off me like it was last week (I'm stuck at about 205), but that could easily be because I feel like ass (super stuffed up nose and super sore throat) and I'm achy... and I haven't been getting as much fibre and I haven't been uber drinking my water... so any idea of the goals until Sunday?

Approaching the Goal

2011-03-13T20:17:00.000-04:00

Still going strong... 5.2lbs away from being under 200lbs. The magical number under which I will be happy and healthy and infinitely confident. Right? I am starting to realize, the closer I get to that goal, that it's not actually a threshold point after which I will be different. Yes, I will be 5.2lbs thinner than I am today, but that's not a lot considering the journey I'm on. I have to get realistic with myself and realize that I am still going to be me when I reach that mini-goal. The same me with the bodily insecurities and flailing self-confidence that comes and goes as it pleases (sometimes even within minutes or hours). The same, but different because I'll be the me that reached this goal. A goal that I have had since Feb. 2007 when I started losing weight for good, but obviously well before then as well. I do not remember a specific point in my life when I crossed that border into obesity. Middle school? High school? I've been fat my whole life, it's just my ratio of weight to height has been different throughout. So I'll guess that I haven't been under 200lbs since the middle of high school. That's a long life to be obese for. Too long. Too much missed out on. **Just to get a sense of my history I went back through my old journals and found the earliest mention of weight, which was on Thursday February 1st, 2001. I was 230lbs and I was 15. Just before turning 16 I was 225.5lbs. Then I was back up to 232lbs in early January 2002. It makes me a little sad to go back into those thoughts and relive them, but that was my life. And I am happy to say that I am slowly but surely changing it.

And I'm in new territory from here on out - each one of these 5.2lbs will be fat that I have never lost before. It's exciting and still a little scary. I'm a little sad that I won't have many people to tell when I reach my under-200 goal, because I just don't talk about that milestone with them. I have never really wanted them to know the specifics. Yes, they have known I'm fat, but they didn't know to the extent or about all my failed attempts (despite seeing the failings on my body). I want this weight loss more than I ever have. I'm going to get it and I'll see it long before my goal date whether or not other people can celebrate with me. Two weeks maybe? Three at most ? I can't wait to see what each new weight will look like.

Day one million seven hundred sixty-four thousand and forty two

2011-02-20T09:27:00.000-05:00

Okay it's actually only been 1477 days... or 4 years and 16 days.

And still going pretty strong, well... since November (2010) anyway. I am a pound and a week ahead of my monthly goal, which is freaking fantastic. That means I have made two weight loss goals so far. When in the past, I never even made one. Down almost 50lbs (again),which means I am pretty damn close to my lowest weight; only 7lbs left to go. And 12.4lbs before I'm below 200. I still can't even imagine it. It gives me butterflies to think of it.

It also scares me to death.

To think that I have to do this for the rest of my life is a little frightening. That I have to exercise almost 10hours a week... forever, if not more. That I have to concentrate every single day on every morsel I stick down my gob.

But then, logically, I know that this should get easier (I remember it does). Eating well becomes second nature, the cravings begin for the fruits and vegetables and the homemade meals. Not that it's not easy to slip back into old habits; I've done it several times before and it's always the easier choice (sadly). But it becomes doable.

What really am I lamenting by spending all those hours exercising? That I'm not sitting at home on the couch watching episode after episode? That I'm not able to eat bag after bag of chips. That I can't eat whatever the hell I want, whenever I want? Jeez, what a selfish ass am I. I'm not missing out on anything by exercising. And what am I gaining? Endurance, muscles, flexibility, health, confidence.

I probably freak out about the same things year after year and it just ends up preventing me from reaching my goals. I have to allow myself to see that there is nothing to be afraid of in the this new life. And yes, it's hard. Even when it gets a little easier, I want to remember how hard these months were. Going to bed while being 'hungry' (or at least not completely full), seeing a commercial and thinking of all the food I want to eat and then immediately wanting to eat all of it, right then and there and having to tell myself no. Having to look up menus for restaurants days in advance to try to convince myself that I want the healthy dish, not the delicious fried option with extra fried. Having to choose every single day to go to the gym despite being ridiculously tired from working all day. And then to have to choose again to run the full 5k and more and then to run it a bit faster and then faster still. These are not EASY choices. Thank god some of them have become second nature; I automatically bring my gym clothes with me on Mondays and Tuesdays. I go to the gym to run through Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays. I take my lunch with me every single day and that always makes it easier - then I don't have to choose between the $2 french fries or the $6 sandwich. It's also important that I have been seeing pretty regular results. This would be harder if I didn't see much change over the 3+ months I've been doing it. But I also know how hard I've been working. I deserve the changes. I've sweat buckets for this loss... literally.

Above the Wreckage

2011-02-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

Ugh... this is the first time where my Sunday eat-fest has turned a little sour. And by sour, I mean that my entire abdomen hurts. I don't think it's as much the amount I ate, as much as how I ate it (i.e. almost all at once). The plan I had started off the weekend with did not exactly pan out (and we know how much I love that) so I kept having to re-evaluate. It left me without a workable Sunday binge, which is actually worse than having a plan.

I visited my mother on Saturday morning and spent the whole day with her where I had to choose a side salad over fries, a sandwich over burger, no popcorn at the movies (although, I did have share smarties and twizzlers but stopped before they were finished). Afterwards, I went to visit my dad with the intention of running on the treadmill before the night was over, staying the night (a snowfall made driving back a little treacherous) and hurrying back to weigh-in and get the day started. Well... my brother and his family were actually going to stop by dad's as well (and stay the night), and dad and I got into a long discussion on investments and investing (I didn't want to stop our father-daughter bonding over the treadmill). When my brother arrived, we got into a long discussion-argument that lasted until 1am. No treadmill that night, but I also didn't eat anything in that house (and there were oreos, cookies, ice cream).

I woke up the next morning and with my niece and nephew looking on, I ran 4 miles (3 straight, and then intervals for the rest). I had to avoid food (dad had made muffins and fruit salad for breakfast) until I could weigh-in. I thought about just taking my weight from yesterday, but I am a stubborn, stubborn fool and when I'm in a routine, I refuse to leave it when I can. So... it was a full morning before I could get home and weigh-in, which means no good breakfast to start me off right. And to top off all the hard work I put in just for weigh-in day, I weighed in at the same weight as yesterday. So, whatever. I'm still perfectly satisfied with the weigh-in. I'm ahead of schedule by about 2lbs.

And as for right now... ugh.. I hope to never mix chocolate, chips and dip, potato wedges and yogurt. I'm happy to say I didn't eat all of it, but I had some of it (a good amount of it) until things hurt. Luckily my stomach can't hold as much as it used to, otherwise I might have finished it all off. My initial thought on the day was that I really didn't feel like any of the food I had craved during the week, and I should have left it that way. But I couldn't let myself let that free day go without taking advantage. I mean, how would I get through two whole weeks without getting my fix? What a stupid mindset, but like I said last post - I'm not ready to fully give it up yet. To start introducing that type of food sporadically throughout the month is frightening!

Now We're Getting Somewhere

2011-02-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

I hate when things don't go exactly as planned.
Even if those plans were merely confirmed in my head, without asking anyone else. My friend is having her birthday dinner tonight... first it was planned to be at a brew pub where I had decided to get a portobello mushroom burger with a strawberry spinach salad. BUT, last minute change... it's now a British pub with seriously British foodstuffs. My only semi-decent option is a BLT, or ice cream because I can sort of control the damage. But we aren't going until 8pm, and really by then my dinner has come and gone and it's practically bedtime (yes... I'm 80). So I've decided to go for some white wine. And maybe some ice cream if I really need it.
And then my friends cancelled, meaning I have to converse with the 'other' friends, who I have previously decided I don't like because they are haughty, drama-filled fakes. Maybe they've changed in 4 years, but I'm going to go out on my judgmental limb and say no. Bah...so what I had anticipated as a great evening, may turn out a little quieter on my end. That's okay. I am young, I should get out more often anyways. I will deal.

I had one super positive choice this week (among a plethora of normal-positive choices). I had a long moment where I felt 'hungry' and I thought of all the different ways I could take those mini eggs and chocolate-covered raisins (hidden in the cupboard above the fridge) and stuff my face... or even just taste them. I didn't really need them, but I wanted them. I wanted to be 'allowed' to have them. Although, I was worried that if I let myself eat even one... well for me, it leads to more. So I sat there, thinking about it. Thinking about how it would taste, what it would do for me. And I kept figuring that it wasn't worth me going over calories for (whether or not I was going to exercise). I have been doing so well this year and I didn't want a bit of boredom and avoidance to be my downfall. If I'm going to screw-up, I want it to be for something good. So I'm waiting until my cheat day to have those treats tucked conveniently away.

Now this brings up some not-so positive thoughts.... like that I'm not ready to trust myself with food. Well specifically that I'm not quite ready to trust myself with food that I'm not 'supposed' to be eating. I'm going to work on it, learn to love smaller portions of chips and candy, but that's going to be a tough road methinks. I'm reading Women Food and God, and at the very least it's giving me a little insight into what I should be paying attention to for me to get this weight off for good. But that's all another post for another day.

To Build A Home

2011-01-31T22:35:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while, eh? I've been... 'away' let's say. Out of town emotionally, mentally and very physically.

Looking back, I can honestly say 2010 just wasn't my year. Although neither was 2009. But really not 2010. Good things happened, but my overall feeling on the end of the year was just 'good riddance.' It never felt right. I never got my old confidence back, despite all that I accomplished.

My friend and I had started a secret, private blog in November 2009 for our weight loss efforts, which for me went nowhere. Well, I lost a whopping 8lbs in the 10 super-long months, but then gained it back... and in a much shorter timeline. We continued the blog this past November for some more weight-loss efforts and for whatever reason... I'm back. I feel back. I've been back on the wagon since mid-November (even prior to getting back to the blog). I have absolutely no idea what caused it- maybe I just got sick of myself? I really don't know and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I won't dwell though. I'm doing it, so that's all that matters.

Sooo... An outline of my new plan:

1. The Numbers: started at 233.6lbs on Nov. 14/09 and currently stand at 216.6lbs. Loss of 17lbs!
2. What I am Doing (as of Jan 2/11): Weighing almost daily with minor weigh-ins on Saturday mornings (for my friend blog) and Sunday morning (for me) and with major weigh-ins on the last Sunday of every month. I get my cheat day on Sundays where I essentially eat whatever I want or have been craving during the week (usually chips and chocolate). I get right back to work on Mondays. I work out most days of the week at my gym at work (which is free!). I run and do strength training (some of the days) and am slowly incorporating other forms of exercise, like the bike. I calorie count every day except my cheat days (and even then I try, but don't pay too close attention). I have a 1lb/week goal and hope to meet that each and every month-end to get me *almost* to goal by the beginning of 2012. It's really, really doable. Four pounds in a month - it's not even the slightest bit daunting.

My first challenge was in January where (due to a little gain over the holidays) and wanting to jump-start the process this year, I had a goal of about 10lbs. And with a lot of hard work, especially last week, I made it down to 217 (216.6lbs to be exact) on my goal date of January 30th. Next up: 213 on Feb. 27. It was exceptionally important for me to meet this goal. It put me on a great footing for the rest of the monthly goals. I don't think I've ever met a weight-timeline goal; I usually self-sabotage, so this is a huge step for me. Huge. I'm aiming for more weight loss, but 4lbs will put me exactly where I should be in (now) only 11 months' time. Anything more is just gravy.

Something in the Way

2010-07-12T16:34:00.000-04:00

Weight: 225.6lbs (-2.6)

I learned last week why I do not run on consecutive days (and why I have failed previously when I did)... it freakin' tires me out! The second run I could feel the exhaustion setting in and my legs getting sore, and by the end I was questioning my ability to even run 5k straight. Had I even done it a week ago? It was also ridiculously muggy, so it was unpleasant overall. But no wonder I would eventually quit running in my previous lives - I would never progress because I was always still recovering. One day in between seriously gives me just enough guilt to get off my ass and go for that run. My 10km route on Sunday was a lot better, I could run the 3k to the 'hill' and then half-way up the hill at this point. I completed a total of 6km on that run and took off 5 minutes from my last few 10km-times. I'm working on actually running up that hill fully; I can't remember if I ever was able to.

I even finally started a little strength training yesterday. Just some squats, lunges, wall pushups (because my right wrist can't take a lot of pressure lately for whatever reason), bicep curls, the plank, and some pilates exercises. And today I feel it in my thighs (yes.. sadly, only my thighs)... nice feeling actually. What sparked it (after thinking about it for weeks) was that after watching all the other runners on the road, I decided I wanted to start developing some definition myself, get rid of the tummy (or at least prepare it for the future uncovering). I also want my arms my strength back, dammit! I still have to develop a plan to actually follow as opposed to just picking and choosing which exercises I feel like doing at the time - although that is better than nothing at the moment.

That's all for now...

The Horizon Has Been Defeated

2010-07-07T22:39:00.000-04:00

Weight: 228.2lbs (+1.2)

Ahh... who knows about the weight. I've been eating really well (except this evening) but it's that time of the month, so I'm not freaking out about it.

Work has been going surprisingly well for my first three days as a real life health care worker. Frankly, it's not much different from being a student, except now I get paid! Far beats the days of minimum wage retail work, that's for sure. And the part-time thing is actually pretty awesome at the moment... 4 day weekends!

I'm being bad today... I didn't run... I'm currently not running... I am supposed to be running... but it was bound to happen sometime. I had planned to fit in a run at the end of the day, but after working all day, quickly coming home and going back out again for dinner and some unfortunate theatre with my sister and all of this in the ridiculous humidity and heat, I just didn't want to. And I didn't do much more than sleep and guzzle water. So not a big deal, but I will just have to run twice in a row this week. I won't cry over my lost 'run' of running every other day... okay maybe a single tear.

Alright... bedtime! And strawberry picking, running and swimming tomorrow, which means it's going to be a good day!

The Next Bar

2010-07-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

Weight: 227lbs (-1.6) - Friday's weight, didn't weigh in this morning

I did an absolutely full 5k this evening (i.e. no stopping, except for stoplights), just to prove to myself that I could 100% do it. Excellent. And now after running three 5ks this past week, I am seriously considering just doing a 5k charity run. I looked up all the runs coming up, and I'd prefer to wait until September (just to avoid the severe summer heat/humidity), but honestly I know I could do it within a couple weeks (time just to gain some confidence). There are also a few 8km runs in September, but I think I should start with 5k and build up. So I will figure that out. I have a few people I can ask to join me, but it may end up being something I do on my own (rather not though). I'm proud to say it's been three full weeks of running every other day - I even had to avoid some bar-going this evening to keep it up. I had intended to go for a run bright and early this morning but after trying (and failing) multiple times to wake up, I just said fuck it and slept however long my body wanted to. So an evening run it was.

I don't know why I now am having so much trouble waking up (when getting to sleep was my initial problem). I set my alarm twice and pressed sleep probably 3 times before just turning it off. Let's hope it's not a problem on Monday - wouldn't want to screw up my first day of work! It's going to be tough when I have a late night of softball tomorrow which won't help getting up ridiculously early on Monday. The goal is to get everything ready the night before and just wake up, freshen up and get to work. These are my hopes anyway...

I'm also having a little bit more trouble with food than I did before. For the most part I am still keeping it within calories, but not always. I keep having little cravings for chips (that was a big mistake... made me feel like a bag of assholes), chocolate and candy... and popcorn. I don't know if it's TOM, but I'm trying really hard not to let it get the better of me. And also trying to log as much as I possibly can. Luckily today was right on. Tomorrow, I'll be within calories - but I want to go see a movie, so a few snacks will be eaten. Full disclosure and all... Luckily, I have 3 hours of softball in the evening to help.

Labour of Love

2010-07-01T15:04:00.000-04:00

Weight: 227.4lbs (-1.2)

Happy Canada Day!!!

June recap and hopes for July:

-Weight: started out at 230.4lbs on June 2nd, went up to 234.4 on June 14th which is when I actually started trying again and since then it's been a (mostly) steady decline to the current weight. So not too shabby depending on when you count from - 2lbs (ouch) or 6lbs (better). July will be better! I am hoping to get to 220lbs by the end of the month (it will be a struggle, but I'm determined).

-Running: Best month ever! I beat May's travelling distance (running+walking) by about 55km (total: 85.02km) and ran 36km more than last month (total: 46km). Also this left March and April in the dust. I ran 5km-straight twice and even ran on the treadmill when running outside was not an option. I also reduced my pace (on average) by 8 seconds. In July I am hoping to get a full 100km distance and over 50km of that I want to be running which is completely doable considering I was only 4km off and that's without running at all for a good 11 days at the start of the month.

-Weight Training: non-existent. I did think about it a lot, but failed to turn it into any particular action. In July I would like to start actually growing these muscles. I am just not sure if I want to do it on opposite days of running or on the same days. Hmm... I guess I'll have to dive right in and see what works best.

-Life: kind of boring overall. Being unemployed, I had a lot of time to myself, but that will all change for July. I almost have too much to do - so getting in the running will be a challenge I have to rise to. Even if it means running later in the evening or perhaps on the treadmill if necessary. I will have to contend with the start of a job, 5 plays, one weekend trip to Montreal. But work will honestly be the hardest part, I think.

Anyhoo... I went for my long run today already (+10km) and now it's time to relax and read....

Take A Chance On Me

2010-06-30T10:40:00.000-04:00

Weight: 228.6lbs (0) (yesterday it was 227.6lbs)

I've had an interesting week so far...
On Sunday, I found out that my job was actually offered to someone else first! Although that person did not pass the certification exam (i.e. they can't work), so I got it instead. That knowledge really ruined the excitement of the job for me... being in second place is like being the Queen of the Losers dammit. But truly I can't complain too much because now the anxiety and pressure of starting a real-life job has somewhat lifted allowing me to sleep through the night. Hell... they must not expect that much from their second choice if their first choice failed their licencing exam...

Seriously, the insomnia (or overactive brain disease, i.e. worrywort) has kept me from sleeping until 3am resulting in me undergoing the much less comfortable 'couch-sleeping.' It also doesn't help that I would then wake up at 10am, when I should be trying to teach myself how to wake up at 6. Life is hard.

Sunday I was also supposed to run and play two games of softball, but I was tired. The night before I had gone out to the bar with a friend and ended up sleeping on my dad's couch (I hate making up the spare bed that much) and had to drive back home that morning. I didn't want to go outside and I definitely didn't want to run. So by procrastinating until the last moment, I didn't run, and hell I had two games (3hours) of softball to play anyway! But of course, on the way to softball it started to pour and lightning and thunder - games are off. Shit.
We went out for dinner instead (I found out the job news) and when I got home it was hours earlier than I had expected it to be. The guilt slowly set in for not running after all (and I would ruin my very perfect run of running every other day for two weeks). After very briefly considering and then immediately rejecting running in the torrential downpour, I eventually I got my ass up off the couch and went to the treadmill downstairs. I brought my computer down with me (had previously set up an episode of How I Met Your Mother to watch) and proceeded to run. It was a decent set-up... until the episode finished and I had nothing to look at. The treadmill faces a white wall, which is surprisingly quite headache-inducing to run towards. And it was hot - the sweat just stuck to every surface of my body. Ugh... but I did it. Total 5km and 4 of those were running. It made me appreciate outdoor running just so much more. One thing I think that tiny little plastic-smelling white-walled gym will be good for is free weights. They have a whole set down there, a pseudo-bench and some diagrams to tell you what to do. I couldn't ask for much more.

I don't really remember much of Monday, I think I sat on the couch all day and went through the thousands of pictures I have on my computer, choosing which ones to get printed. In every single one of my picture frames I have pictures that are over 5 years old - and a lot has happened in five years! (Two degrees, three big moves, home ownership, new friends, weight loss, weight gain, hair cut, hair grown, new family members... etc.)
And oh yes... and there was some grocery shopping as well - the most important part of my day! I bought some turkey sausages, some tilapia (for the first time), fruits, veggies and lots of yogurt.

Yesterday was pretty great. I went for a run in the morning (another 5k!! + 2k walking) with the anticipation of my friend coming to visit in the early afternoon. We went to drop my pictures off to get printed, rented some really cheesy movies, picked up some snacks and laughed the afternoon away. Another friend was bored so she joined us in the evening for a bit of wine, a crappy horror movie and some grilled chicken pesto pasta salad. A lot of fun. After the chips and the Big Turk bites I ate, I was a little nervous for falling off the wagon (as well as gaining 5lbs today), but so far so good. I guess the running and the walk to the movie store really helped. And I'll just have to be especially diligent today to make sure I don't run to the convenience store for more chips today (my downfall).

So... decent week so far. I am trying to relax on my last week of freedom, but there are lots of little errands to fulfill before I am ready for next week... so laundry, health-record searching, cooking and cleaning will be on the agenda for today. (And obviously watching like 20 episodes of HIMYM...)

Feel It In My Bones

2010-06-26T00:00:00.000-04:00

Weight: 228.6lbs (-0.4)

I really didn't want to go running today... but I am so glad I did because I just ran a 5K! And by 'a 5k' I just mean '5k'... on the road... by myself. It was wonderful! It was like all the forces of the universe came together to allow me to do it (and for some reason drinking a little wine beforehand kind of helps). It was a beautiful night, perfect amount of breeze, not too hot or too cold. Something just clicked. I only walked a block at the beginning for warm-up and then again at the 3rd kilometer after the second hill, just to cross a street and grab some water (I'm thinking less than a minute). I even ran a little bit extra at the end to make up for any distance counted while walking. I'm so proud of myself! This has seriously been a fantastic week - passed my exam, got my first real job, and ran 5k! I also lost 1.6lbs this week, but that's not quite as fantastic as I'd hoped.

I'm not even sure how long ago I started running, probably close to 10 years ago, but of course never stuck with it for very long. I started on the treadmill in my parents' basement, but didn't feel the love doing it that way. It was a loud, rickety machine that amplified every step I took - the t.v. would have to be almost on full blast when I ran to cover up the sound of me apparently stomping my way for merely 15min. I eventually upgraded to running on the trails outside my parents house for one summer and that's what really started me on the running kick. It wasn't a very long trail, but it was beautiful, shaded, green... minus the vicious geese guarding the small lake. Even a hot guy would run past every once in a while. I could only guess at the mileage - 2km I think was the farthest I had run at one time. But when I went back to University, I never really got back into it. I joined the Y and took up (indoor) biking, the elliptical... came to Toronto, joined GoodLife started on the treadmill again, but like I said before - I hated the gym. I don't pay $50+ to use a gym that doesn't have more than 4 fans and ideally AIR CONDITIONING! So although I improved a bit on the treadmill running to about 20minutes continuously, it wasn't always enjoyable. Ahh... then I found my trails in Toronto. Finally! I found the little spark again... found other routes, suburbs, hills (only a few)... and only this summer have stuck with it for any significant period of time. I do remember last summer having just sprained my ankle and putting a kibosh on the running for a good time, but before that I was on a decent way, 2/3rd done the couch to 5K program. I allowed life to always get in the way of me reaching my goal of 5k. A part of me honestly believed I would never be able to do it. Especially when I started back up a month or so ago and could barely run 1k. It felt impossible at that time, but now it's like 'what next??' Well... for the time being I am going to stick it out, run 5k more than once and then maybe try for 8K and eventually 10K. Ahh.. the future!

Starting out my run tonight, I definitely did not think I'd checking off a huge (almost decade-long) goal of mine... Wow... what a week.

Leave It Alone

2010-06-25T00:40:00.000-04:00

Weight: 229lbs (-0.2)

I just wanted to check in, make sure my blog was doing alright. I, personally, am doing just fine and dandy, especially since being offered that position (which I honestly never thought would happen). Even while I was on the phone with my boss I was waiting for him to give me the bad news and for me to have to ask how I could improve in future interviews and suffer through the criticism. So such a load off... but also, to be honest, quite a load right back on again. Adult life and responsibility is scary and although I know I'll do just fine, it still terrifies me. I definitely did not sleep again last night, which is a horrible habit to get into when I have to start training my body to get up long before 9am in the near future (one week).

And despite the weight moving very very slowly, I am doing just fine in that aspect too. Food has gotten pretty easy at the moment (although, I probably just jinxed it), where most of the time I am too busy thinking to eat. Thinking about the future, money, everything I have to organize before I start work, exercise, when I should start strength training, little things like going through my thousands of digital pictures to find ones I want to get printed, writing in the blog, weighing myself, etc... The days go by surprisingly quickly.

I finally quit my membership to Goodlife yesterday. I say 'finally' because I haven't used the gym in months and months; it's such a waste of money at the moment. The woman cancelling my account tried to give one last ditch effort at both keeping me and teaching me something, but I resisted because that's what I do. She tried to tell me to try cutting out dairy because how we aren't meant to eat it once we are weaned... but no thanks. I like dairy, I enjoy eating dairy and I definitely did not get fat because of dairy. I personally would prefer to eat dairy than 10 cups of broccoli (I made that number up). I think I resented her suddenly taking an interest in me, assuming she knew things about me when she had never met me before. One of her questions was 'have you heard of sparkpeople?' Ha... yes... I've been getting their emails for years. I also have been tracking calories online for over 3 years, on paper for 2 years before that, blogging about weight for 3 years (minus the good 10 months where I ignored the blog). I have gained and lost and gained and lost... and she just sees me in that one brief moment - thinks 'quitter,' perhaps? 'Still fat'? She also told me take some classes... learn the basics, despite the fact that I told her 'I do NOT like classes'. I have never liked them... but she told me to do it anyway. Like I can't find any basics on the internet... or like I don't know anything about this stuff already. Beyond making me angry, it made me a little sad that this is what I am portraying right now. But it won't be like that forever. I'll continue to lose weight - even if it's by fraction's of a pound - getting stronger and faster and I'll show them that I can do it (because I'll be honest, it's not only for me).

This Woman's Work

2010-06-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit! Guess what?

I have a job now!

Say WHAT? Woot Woot!

(It's only a part-time, maternity leave... but I'll take it!)

Now, I am definitely celebrating tonight with some completely pre-planned and logged rasinets and swedish berries... oh yeah... and The Karate Kid (because maybe I'll be inspired not to totally freak the hell out about the future and new responsibilities!)

Guess I'm Doing Fine

2010-06-23T00:09:00.000-04:00

Weight: 229.2lbs (-0.4)

So I've lit a little fire underneath my ass the last few days. It just took me blogging about those resumes to actually send them out, so that was one less thing preventing me from sleeping at night. And then I finally got my car serviced, finally emptied out my dishwasher (I usually just pull things out as needed), cleaned 90% of my kitchen (it got late), and did 2 (out of a million) loads of laundry. So yay me!

And one thing I didn't do today was eat fast food - this is a relatively proud moment for me. While I was waiting for my car to be serviced I had planned (ahead) to go to Second Cup and drink one of their new chillers and read L.A. Confidential (loved the movie.. love the book?). The strawberry chiller is fantastic and I wanted to try their mango one. BUT... it was a freakin' Starbucks instead! Bah humbug. I very much dislike my plans being disrupted, it leaves me without a solid footing... so thoughts started flying around my head, 'what in the world am I going to do now?' 'I might as well eat whatever I want because what I had planned is out of the question' 'there is a burger place right beside Starbucks...' etc. I even for a brief while considered going to the burger place and just having a grilled chicken sandwich... but I didn't even do that. I sat my ass down in Starbucks, got a passion iced tea drink and read my damn book. My mind did wander to that burger place pretty often just because when else would I have this easy/justified chance to cheat my diet? But I can honestly say I wasn't really craving any of that. So small victory, but essential to my staying within calories today (especially because today is a no-exercise day).

Hmm... although at the moment I am craving french fries... poutine in particular. Greasy, cheesy, gravy fries. Can't be beat (especially with mushrooms and bacon for some reason). Luckily, there is none of that to be had (and I wouldn't eat it anyway). And tomorrow is a movie date with a friend anyway. :) I'm either having popcorn or candy.... and going on a looong run in the morning to make up for any gorging that may occur. So it will all be okay.

And last but not least... I passed my certification exam! Woot! Woot!

Running Down a Dream

2010-06-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

Weight: 229.6lbs (-1.2)

I finally made it back to the 220's. Hello friend - it's been a long, long time. Only 25 more pounds before I get back down to my lowest. But let's not dwell on that... it's daunting at the moment. Let's get down to 220 and I'll work from there.

So running is going really well. Although, I did just recently trick myself into thinking that I had been running (consistently) a lot longer than I actually had been. I've only been running every other day for the last week and a half. And I've been running non-consistently since late March. I made myself a simple little excel file the other day where I am tracking all of my runs. In total I have run 129.39km, almost 56km of that I ran since June 1.

Today, I ran even though I really, really didn't want to get off the couch and I did it just because it's my day to. With my android phone, I've been using a gps/fitness tracker to keep track of me while I run and it's awesome! It's partially what drives me to even go on these runs in the first place. They are usually either 7 or 10km long, with somewhere between 3-5km of that running. Just the other day I managed to run 5km within my route, and today I ran 4.5 out of the first 5km, making it the closest I've come to a full 5K ever. Sometimes I get a tad bit over eager with the running and try to up my distance too quickly, so I should probably maintain around 4-5km for the next little bit before pushing ahead. Those last two runs did finally feel good... like it felt before I had gained the 15lbs. Easier (although, not easy).

I really should think about training for something specific, but I'd ideally like a friend to do it with. So we'll see. There is a 5K run in September, which is more than enough time to get me ready for running a full 5km, but like I said we'll see. Right now I'm just doing it for the love of running. Okay... maybe the 'like' of running...

Everything's Not Lost

2010-06-20T21:37:00.001-04:00

Weight: 230.8lbs (+0.6)

Happy Father's Day everyone! Today I celebrated the day by visiting my dad and making him breakfast with my sister. It was good - nothing over the top, just too much darn food. It didn't seem like it when we were grocery shopping though: eggs, peameal bacon, orange juice, toast, tomatoes, fruit salad, vanilla yogurt... Delicious, but I had eaten more than half my calories for the day in that one meal. Worth it though. I usually eat close to that for breakfast most days anyway (it's always been my favourite meal). Other than that, we relaxed and enjoyed the beautiful day... indoors while my sister was taught that you never ask dad for advice in resume-writing if you want to continue to love him. It's just not his strong-suit. He can build you a deck, make delicious apple strudel, but avoid the soft-skills.

I've been procrastinating applying to jobs (I'm still waiting on my certification) and that has been severely affecting my sleep lately. Sleep was always easily had by me; if I'm tired, I lay my head on the pillow and I am gone into la-la land. But now it's me just laying there with thousands of thoughts flying through my head. I've started counting backwards from one hundred, but I end up forgetting the numbers and just slipping back into my neuroses. So I guess the one trick to this is that I stop procrastinating, eh? Apply for those freaking jobs already and get it over with. It's just easy to think that I can't fail if I don't try. The obvious caveat to that is that I do not succeed either. Honestly, I'm a little frightened for the future, whether or not I become employed. I did actually have one interview last week that I am not holding my hopes for. It was in the same place as I trained, although other students were interviewed for the position as well. I only told two people that I went to the interview. It was mostly to protect my pride, and also to stop my family from constantly asking me about it. Something I have recently experienced. "So... did you hear about that job yet?", "That job contact you yet?" "Are they still hiring for that job?" Jesus, it was frustrating and I told them more than once to stop asking - I would promise to tell them if I heard anything. And they didn't... so when I did finally go on this interview, I figured it was best to just keep the information away from them for the moment. They'll survive.

I need to get my act in gear with these other job postings. At the very least if I do get called into future interviews it will be excellent practice, right (I do look on the bright side once in a millenia). So just do it?

As for weight... up a little bit this morning. Who knows why? I just accept that my body likes to drop some weight, then hold about steady, drop and then steady out - it's up to me not to give up due to frustration. The sleeplessness and the earlier wake-up this morning might have contributed, but then there are a thousand other reasons as we dieters (ahem... lifestyle changers) know... And I remained on track today in spite of the large breakfast (and my current hunger). I'm within calories, played some softball for exercise and need only to round out my water intake to make it a successful day. Let's keep it up Bri!

New Start to Start

2010-06-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

I'm BAAAACK... but of course. No one can stay away from blogging indefinitely (and technically... I never stopped, just wrote/write a private blog with a friend instead), but sometimes I just don't want to emote all my crazy bits on her. I just love her too much to subject her to that.

So what has happened over the last year? ...Very little. I don't remember many of the parts in between now and then except a few important things. Like finishing 8-month training, graduating from university (for the second time), studying for/writing (and hopefully passing) my board exam. That study time was a tough 3 weeks were I barely moved from my spot in the library and stress-ate more than usual. So even though prior to that I had made it down to about 220lbs (again), those three weeks had me gain about 15lbs (with a good loss of muscle in there for good measure). So since then I've been relaxing, reading, eating (mostly) more like a normal person and running/walking. although I ate quite a few crates of chips from loneliness and boredom. How sad. And now I get to look forward to current unemployment and crippling anxiety from all the interviews (and judgment, so much judgment).

So why am I back? Partly because I am bored, partly because I really want to succeed again. I had done so well the first go-around and surprisingly I've managed to keep off 25 of those 55lbs that I had previously lost so many years ago. Not great, but it's something I'm still proud of.

And the pounds have been relatively stubborn lately requiring me to actually eat well on consecutive days, not just whenever I feel like it. Luckily, I've managed to pull that off in the last week (in full). So I can say my current weight is almost 5lbs down from my study-high, and officially 230.2lbs.

What's in store for the year? Well... not completely sure. Running, travelling a bit, working,volunteering, strength training, building that confidence I lost over the last year, dating (again). Oh... and I will be a bridesmaid in 2012... so obviously I want to look smoking hot for that! Not too much to ask I think.

So I guess here we go... again. Wish me luck!

-Bri

2009-08-09T21:17:00.002-04:00

I'm still here.
Still thinking about weight loss. Still feeling fat and self-conscious. My pants are definitely not fitting, which means it's time to get back to reality here. No more excuses about my ankle or my new summer cold. I can't eat a bag of chips per week along with other delicious snack foods and expect to lose weight. I'm not stupid enough to believe that. I also won't lose weight if I sit on my ass all day - I know that it just leads to me thinking about food. And when I think about food, my mind always somehow manages to get to chips. Hell, I'm thinking about them right now. But I won't eat chips.
Somehow I've managed to get back on track the last couple of days, but it needs to last longer than that. Weeks longer, months longer. I haven't seen a loss on the scale the last few days, but I am assuming it's my body just waiting me out, seeing if I have the stamina and endurance to push through it and stay on track.
I made myself go out and run Saturday morning. My ankle is mostly better (just hurts when I cross my legs with pressure on my ankle) and it lasted on the run (week 6, run#1 again) except this time I went back to my ol' hilly route. That killed me. Part of my run involved running up that damn hill again and I just couldn't do it. I had no idea how much longer I had to run for, I was already part way up the hill and I had to stop. There was only 30 more seconds. I wish I had kept with it, but that's what I get for taking a break from running for two weeks. Maybe I would have been able to back then. Oh well... at least it was for a good reason for once. I think I'll do the same run at least one more time before moving on - I have to run for 25 minutes straight soon and I want to make sure I am ready. I won't fail.
My friend last week told me she was trying to lose weight and was using an online food tracker (myfitnesspal.com). A very surprising revelation because she is not one for technology or gadgetry. Today after getting ridiculously frustrated with the Daily Plate and it's slooooow loading times, I decided to see what her site was about. I love it. So simple and quick, it was exactly what I was looking for to replace the Daily Plate. So I'm a changed woman. It's nice to have a working calorie counter again. It's now my home page. I am as happy with it as I was the Daily Plate back in 2007, so maybe I'll get back some of my motivation. Somehow I got through the weekend, so it's a start. Now just through the week. And the rest of the month. I can do this! (I really need my pants back...)

2009-07-28T10:09:00.002-04:00

Ugh... I twisted/sprained my ankle while running outside last week. I had already finished my podrunner intervals and I had a song I thought would be good to run to, so I did. Well, in the last two steps of my 'second' run I half hit the pavement, half hit the grass (and those two weren't level). So my foot completely rolled out and next thing I know I was on the ground. Thank god it was dark so a small amount of my dignity stayed intact. Fuck! It hurt! I sat on that sidewalk for a good few minutes and wanted to cry. And I still had to walk home. Totally teaches me a lesson... never do more exercise than necessary. So I've been taking it easy, not playing softball, not walking the 8km to/from school. Luckily it's been raining a lot, so I haven't missed too much. But nonetheless I feel like a blob. And I'm worried that my running will fall by the wayside. Although my ankle is 90% better, I don't know whether to wait until it's completely fine - or will that take weeks? That's the one good thing about being sedentary, you rarely get injured. I'm just lying in wait for the first broken bone, the first shin splint and I am not looking forward to it. Even my knee problems only really started when I began running. Anyways, I'm not actually going to give up the exercise just so I stay safe, but it is one of the most frustrating things to deal with. I'm just really lucky it wasn't worse.

2009-07-14T18:28:00.002-04:00

Whoo! I ran the full 20minutes today! Week 5 is all done now. I was nervous going into it as yesterday's run (8min run-5min walk-8min run) was hard enough. The first 15-18 minutes were fine and then the last two just killed me. I was hoping to get away without looking at the clock, but alas, I gave in lest I have many minutes left to go. I was happily surprised to find that I had less than 2 minutes to run (any more and I probably would have given up) - I was already "running" as fast as I could, which I somehow believe is slower than I walk. So, sweet jesus! It's done. Now on to 25minutes of running and then up to 30minutes. I'm excited, I am pretty sure I can do it! (okay... I CAN do it).

Otherwise... life has been unusually busy. I went to visit a friend and get some hot tubbing action in. Then I had to drive back to Toronto in time to host a night with a friend who I hadn't seen in over a year. We went out to a play (a small indie one) and had drinks after. I had to kick her out early Saturday morning before my dad and my aunt and uncle came over to head to the CFL (Canadian Football) game where Toronto was against Saskatchewan. Sask is the birthplace of my dad's family and myself, so I enjoyed seeing them whoop the Toronto Argo's ass. Saturday night was all for me, and then Sunday was a bbq with a softball double header. Busy, busy, busy! Softball was great - we won the first game by over 20 runs and won the second one by about 10. However, in the last inning of the last game I got whacked in the thigh by a batted softball. It hurt so much, it kind of knocked the wind out of me for a second. It has turned into a huge (huge!) purple bruise, although it doesn't hurt nearly as much as those first few moments. Thank god that particular area is well padded! (Hey... fat is good for something). I was a little concerned about running on it yesterday and today, but besides feeling the muscles a little more than usual (as if I had worked out the day before), all was fine and dandy.

So now I am trying to get back to my normal routine... let's see how that works this week. At least the exercise is back to normal. :)

2009-07-08T06:34:00.002-04:00

Weight: 224.6lbs Down: 2.6lbs

It was a good day yesterday. Despite being my day off I woke up relatively early (not too early now) and got myself on the trail. It was a cool, overcast day, but I was thankful for the chilly breeze when the sweat arrived. I realized yesterday how much I hate walking up hills. I do it because they are there and I've established a routine of walking up them (and back down), but I hate it. I'm tired after the 4 minute hike up and I don't like how I have to interrupt my intervals for a serious intake of water and air. I can only hope it will get easier as the weight is lost or as I do it more often (although, you'd think after 4 weeks of walking up that hill almost 3 times a week would have made it easier already). Anyways, for my 20 minute run at the end of the week I will need to find a flatter, longer surface to run on. I know that it only takes me 16 minutes after my warm-up to get to that big hill and there is no way I want to run my last 4 minutes up that hill. Self-preservation and all.

Eating was alright yesterday as well. I wasn't perfect, but I was reasonable. I have had some chocolate ice cream in my freezer for over a week now (a miracle in itself) and I wanted some, had some and successfully put the rest back in the freezer. I used a small bowl and was perfectly satiated. I also went to the movies with my sis (to see My Sister's Keeper) and ate 4 or 5 sour patch kids, about 5 handfuls of popcorn and sat otherwise sipping my diet coke. It felt good to have control over the eating, even if I wasn't perfect. I also ate a plate full of fresh veggies and had a bit of fruit salad throughout the day. I drank tons of water and I am pretty sure I got my fibre. And a loss was rewarded to me on the scale. Yesterday morning was 226.6lbs and today is even better. One thing I am not doing is counting calories right now. I want to try the whole intuitive eating thing for a bit. If it doesn't work then I know I truly need some kind of accountability in that section of weight loss, but for now it feels good to trust myself.

2009-07-06T23:20:00.003-04:00

Weight: 227.2lbs

The day went alright. I knew I'd be having a poutine lunch with my sister, so I walked to school and cut back on food the rest of the day. I had an awesome poutine with mushrooms, onions, chicken and some bacon. Awesome, but it was enough to tide me over for a while. I'm feeling better about eating, feeling cravings subside more than they have in weeks. My breakfast was a reasonable egg and piece of toast with my fruit/yogurt smoothie. It filled me up until lunchtime proving that I don't need to eat a full omelette, two pieces of toast and a smoothie to get through the day. Water intake has been good and I am slowly getting my fibre up (I really like the All-Bran Strawberry Bites) and I actually did pilates. So I'm getting there.

I am hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow so I can get me a run in - get this damn week 5 started.

I know this is a super boring post, but I just need to get myself back in the habit of writing about weight loss again...

2009-07-05T20:46:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's already July - half the summer is over! I've been surviving this whole thing, school and life... making it through.

The running is going really well - I just finished my last 'Week 4' run and I'll be gearing up for week 5 sometime in the next day or two. I'm a little bit nervous about this week because I'll have to be running 20 minutes (in-a-row!) by the end. I don't know if I'm up for it, but I'll try. The running has been good, the only problem I ever have is when I have to run part way up one of the huge hills. After it, I always need a bit of a break before I get back to the intervals - I am hoping it doesn't screw with my progress, but the fact I run up half the hill and then have to spend the next whole walking interval finishing it, I figure I can't be behind.

Food has never been good, but this morning I changed my scene a bit. After my run I went grocery shopping and forced myself to get good stuff. I'm going to try to get back to how I used to eat - like a normal person. I am trying to get my water in and fibre this week. I also want to try for more and smaller meals throughout the day. I'd like to feed my metabolism. Today went well... let's see how it goes tomorrow.

My birthday is in less than two months and I'd like to see a drop in the scale (20lbs would be wonderful). I'll try to post on my progress more often. I need it.

2009-06-23T08:48:00.002-04:00

Hello hello!

I'm still here, I swear. I've been plugging away at the couch to 5k program which is going pretty well so far. I just finished the second run for week 3 and it hasn't been that difficult. The humid heat makes it hard and having to run part way up a hill makes it extra hard, but it's completely doable. Week 4 looks like it's going to be hard - that's when the running time ends up getting longer than the walking. But I am still optimistic.

The eating has been hit or miss. One day I'll be right on track, the next day (like yesterday) my friends will invite me out for brunch, ice cream and then snacks at my place. Fun and all... but not conducive to weightloss, especially when the ice cream is from cold stone (OMG... they just opened one in Toronto - 'birthday cake remix' is actually the best thing I have ever put in my mouth, but I was good and only ate about a 1/3rd of it - I'm still dreaming of it though). I am eating more vegetables and I am eating more fresh fruit. I am taking my vitamins and drinking lots of water - mostly because I sweat like a pig every day in this humidity. So there's good and bad.

I finally bought cleats for softball and I didn't realize what a difference they would make. Running to the bases becomes much easier and I may actually be running faster because I have some traction. Definitely the best 25$ I've spent in a while. And yes we won our 4th game in a row Sunday night for a record of 5-1. Not too shabby.

Anyways, I am off to make some post-run food!

2009-06-16T08:37:00.002-04:00

Ahh... a new week...

Camping was a lot of fun this past weekend. We ate and slept and read and relaxed all in the great outdoors. It was mostly beautiful weather during the day and pretty freakin' cold nights. But I survived well enough. I went half-way into the water, but it was pretty freakin' cold as well. I'm not sure quite what to say about the eating. It wasn't horrible - I did eat some veggies, yogurt, trailmix etc. but I also had mini doughnuts and chocolate-covered raisins. So you win some, you lose some. The bugs were so bad that I got about 8 mosquito bites on my face, another 5 on my neck and many more scattered about my body. Not cool. After all is said and done, camping is a lot of work for not that much pay off. I think I prefer cottaging. There is less set-up and certainly less take-down and most importantly rocky raccoon doesn't try to eat all your food.

Anyways, yesterday I wanted to get right back on track with the exercise; I know how several days off can easily turn into several weeks off. I did my 8km walk to and from school, which I could immediately tell was much more difficult this time around. I felt stiff and off my game, but glad I did it. I also told myself that I would do another interval run (my second of week 2). At first I was going to do it right after class, but I was tired and wanted a nap instead. So I told myself 7pm was the time... 7pm came and went. Finally I got up off my ass a quarter after 8 and forced myself on the trail. It was actually a good run. Week 2 isn't as hard as I thought it would be. The podcast is only about 30minutes long and I walked another 40 minutes around town. Overall, I walked over 2.5 hours yesterday... not too shabby.

Today I plan to get on the trail again and head to the gym afterwards for my weight circuit, also go grocery shopping and clean up my place. Hopefully that will keep me busy enough to stop me from overeating.

I hope you guys had a good weekend.

2009-06-09T08:26:00.002-04:00

Alright, weekend was horrible for eating. Absolutely horrible. Exercise was fantastic. I went for another interval jog on the trails Saturday morning, played softball Sunday (otherwise it was a day off) and yesterday I did another interval jog (my last for week 1) and headed to the gym for the weight training circuit.

It's the food. And frankly, it's always been the food. I realize that food is the most important aspect of the weight loss and I just can't get it together. Ever since I moved to this city, it's been the hardest thing to control. It's partly the boredom and partly the availability. I live within 1 minute of a convenience store, within 10 minutes of two grocery stores, fast food etc. What makes it worse is that I have this week off of school, so I am just sitting at home doing nothing. Once I've finished my run early morning, I have the whole day to do nothing. Food is great until about 4pm and then it goes to hell. By 4, I've already had a bath, done some reading, watched online t.v. (I don't have cable anymore). I go shopping some days in the evening to stop me and it really does help, but I can't shop every night. I need help! I need any advice you have for eating right. You'd think after two years I would know something, but I obviously need to be reminded.

I'm going to have to find some things to do in the city or heck, I'll just have to go and exercise again - it's better than eating my way through the kitchen.

I'm also going camping on Thursday-Sunday. I would really like to have good snacks on hand like apples, soy nuts, raisins... any ideas for good snacks that will keep in a cooler or outside? Or even meal ideas besides the requisite hotdogs and hamburgers? I was thinking of some kebabs, small potatoes to bbq. I was going to cut up some grilling vegetables, but other than that I am lost. So any help today would be great! I'm desperate...

2009-06-05T11:17:00.003-04:00

Weight: 223.4lbs

My body is rebelling against all my efforts to lose the weight. With the amount I'm walking and the other physical activity I'm partaking in, I should be at most 220lbs by now (in my own estimation). Jeez. What up body? Why you frontin'? Seriously though, I was under calories yesterday beyond the fact that I did my 8km walk and I went shopping (aka... more walking). I even sat with my friends in the food court while they scarfed down subway and chinese food in front of me. I thought about getting New York Fries - it was less than 10m away, but luckily I'm lazy (I'll call it 90% lazy, 10% self-control). I just took out the banana I randomly brought with me and sipped on my nalgene of water. I went to bed hungry (I swear I didn't starve myself) and I woke up still around the same weight I've been for days. Maybe it's that I'm not eating enough, or I'm not drinking enough water. Nonetheless, I'll keep with this for a while. It took me long enough to reduce my calories to weight-loss levels, I can't give in to raising them so soon (for me there is little differentiation between 1800Cals and 5000Cals).

I think my body is slowly getting used to the waking up at a sensible hour and getting some exercise because today (one of my days off) I woke up at a very reasonable 7:45am and I was out of the house and walking by about 8:45am. And damn it's beautiful outside - I couldn't not go out for some exercise.

This morning I found these podcasts called Podrunner: Intervals that are exactly what I've been looking for to run to. Although my 80's and rock music is awesome to listen to while on the treadmill or trails, the tempo varies to much within a song and I find myself constantly changing tracks to keep my momentum up. In fact these ones are geared to the couch-to-5K program which have beeps built in to indicate switching from walking to running and vice versa. They have sections with specific beats per minute, which I love. So although in real life I hate techno/trance/house (no idea the difference), while running it's perfect. So I recommend them! (Well... I've only tried the first one so far).

On the way back from my trail jog/walk (with walks up two big hills and down two big hills), I even stopped at the gym to get my weight circuit in. I didn't do it yesterday because I was exhausted, so today there had to be no excuse. It was good. I like getting outside but still not compromising on getting the weight training in. My legs are going to die tomorrow... no question.

My sister even invited me to a movie and dinner today, so I'll be walking another 4km today. This not having a subway pass thing has been my best idea ever.

Oh yeah... so why am I going to a movie with my sister and not out with the bachelor? Well, last night we had a little chat where I asked him if he was still coming down and he said 'am I?' and I said 'are you?' God, games suck. He said it felt like I was feeling like he was imposing and if that was the case, he didn't want to. I said that I felt he was thinking this was a date as opposed to a friends thing. He pretty much agreed that was true, and then suggested he shouldn't come down. He told me to call him anytime if I changed my mind. So we are at this awkward junction where I guess he feels like he can't hang out with me and I wish we could hang out, but only as friends. I guess we'll keep it cool for now. Que sera and all that jazz.

2009-06-03T22:05:00.002-04:00

Weight: 223lbs

I did see 222.4lbs, but after quick pee it jumped up again. WTF? I don't think it's possible... to use half a pound... of toilet paper..umm, whatever. The mysteries of weight loss will never fail to annoy and confound me.

I'm exhausted and I can't believe it's already 10pm. Where does the day go? Well, I suppose two hours went to walking to and from school (successfully, I might add - no sneaky cab calls or hitchin' for me). The 9 to 5 thing was all schooling and then another hour for floor hockey. It was a mostly good day, but obviously tiring.

Floor hockey was a success. I'm not piss poor at it, so I like it. I just whack a ball, ideally towards the other net. Nothing too difficult there.
School was interesting. The morning was fine, but I just lost the will to live in the second half of the day. I even contaminated myself and the lab (not to be confused with 'soiled'). This occurred with radioactivity when drawing up a dose. It's not a big deal and it happens to everyone, but I just don't like it happening to me.

After that we had a pizza party in class with cake to celebrate some birthdays - obviously I was happy again. And so... I ate too much. Well, at the time it didn't seem like it. Three slices. Not the worst thing I've ever eaten, but nonetheless I didn't need it. The cake either, but it was good. At least the 8.2km helps with that (16.4km combined this week and a potential ~100km/month!).

So in looking forward for June...
-I have to make my lunches for Wednesday the night before. Otherwise I will be late to school.
-I will keep track of the walking. I'm pretty excited about the hypothetical cities I (in the future) could have walked to.
-Drink more water. I've been doing well - but there's always room for improvement.
-Try to keep the gym-going to every other day (even if I walk to school). I'd like to avoid the mummification of my muscles this month if possible.
-Try to exert some willpower over eating something really delicious at least once... that would be nice Briana.

2009-06-02T18:14:00.002-04:00

Weight: 223.6lbs

I was hoping for a bigger drop than that, but meh... I'll take it.

I went to the real gym today... heck, that's twice in two weeks. A new record? I think so! Thirty minutes on the elliptical, 30mins on the treadmill (only ran like 5 minutes - not nearly enough) and then I even did the weight circuit. Hells yes. I did not want to do it. I was tired, I was super sweaty, but I got my damp ass on those damn machines. So even though I'm over calories by like 100, I'm not too concerned because my muscles hurt.

I even made myself an apple/walnut/raisin/balsamic salad today and it was quite enjoyable despite the fact that I still mostly dislike salads (unless of course they are smothered in cheese, croutons or caesar dressing). So obviously something is clicking in the noggin that is making me eat salad and stopping me from getting donuts at the coffee shop and eating the entire 1kg bar of dark chocolate (I merely had one serving). I'll call that a victory. A tiny, little baby victory.

2009-06-01T21:06:00.003-04:00

Weight 224.8lbs

I deserved that one, but I believe a lot of it is the extra salt I've been ingesting. Water, water, water is the only answer for that one - and the obvious 'less salt'.

At the movies on Sunday afternoon I managed not to gorge myself on popcorn, never touched my sister's glosette peanuts (which I love) and I walked the 2km there and 2km back just for good measure. I did that mostly because I knew I had plans before softball to head to a wings place with some of the team. I had planned in advance to make sure I had some caloric room for whatever I decided to eat. I don't really like wings all that much, so I ate a taco-fry thing - it was good. It had sour cream on it which always makes a dish good in my eyes.

And softball was fantastic! I really love it. I found something mildly athletic that I'm good at. Who knew? I'm great at pitching, I'm decent at catching infielders and well... I can touch the ball with my bat, but I'm still working on getting some power behind it. We played an undefeated team last night with an average of 20+ runs a game. Whereas my team has yet to score 20 runs in any game. But not only did we beat them, we kept them to 5 measly runs. Sweet victory!

I'm also starting on a floor hockey team on Wednesday night at school. No idea how that will go, but I'm willing to give a try.

So today is June 1st. A new day, a new month and all that. It also means that I usually buy a new subway pass, but I decided I would try out this new thing called 'walking.' I already walk to the movies and the little local stores, why not to school?
So I did this morning. A long 4.1km there, and 4.1km (partly uphill) on the way back. It took me a lot less time than I thought (50min) and it allows me to catch up on my 'This American Life' podcasts. Getting to school won't be a problem, I like the walk even. But the way back is a little killer. I'm already tired from school and the uphill part actually kills me with my backpack on. But I'm still going to keep doing it. I refuse to buy a subway pass this month. And pish posh I only have to walk to school 3x/week (24.6km) - a little thigh burn never killed anyone...

And boy-wise, it kind of came to a head today. I messaged him online, said hello. He said long time no see. I said same here. He said didn't you get my messages? I said no (I don't count the :P as a message). Then he said ah, thought you weren't into me anymore. And then I say sorry buddy but I think we in friends territory now. It's been so long since we've hung out. He says that he was spot on then and he was trying to invite me to the Queen musical (which I've already seen).
So we end up chatting and he still says things like 'I'm not convinced that I can't charm you' and 'we'll see what happens'. But that's not how it works with me. When I've made up my mind, it's pretty much done. But I am serious about being friends with him. We have similar enough senses of humour that I don't see why we couldn't (and plus we didn't go that far elsewhere, so I wouldn't consider that awkward). Anyway, we are getting together on Friday for drinks. I have noooo idea how that is going to go, but I was insistent on the 'friends' label, although I am pretty sure he thinks he can win me over.

Ahh..weight loss.. right.. also I'm determined to eat clean for the week. Today was good and I'm hoping tomorrow will be even better now that I am stocked with groceries.

So that's all the news that's fit to print. Night ladies and gents.

2009-05-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

Weight: 222.2lbs (on Thursday morning) - no scale since.

I'm up at the cottage by my lonesome this weekend. I needed to get away from the city and just sit in some quiet for a while. It's been overcast and rainy since I got here - until this morning. Although the weather sucked, it's always so relaxing here. I do what I want when I want - ok, I can do this at home too - but the scenery here is different. I get to look out on the rippling water and see trees so tall and thick you wonder how they struggled past each other toward the sun. Ha! Hokey talk. Nonetheless, I'm calm. I even headed into the small town to get some used books to read. I bought 'A Prayer for Owen Meany', 'Middlesex', 'Life of Pi', 'Revolutionary Road' and some romance novels. I figured I needed a little romance, even if it is of the false and overwrought variety. There is a reason why it's a multi-billion-dollar-a-year business... it's because we don't get enough of it in our daily lives. There's a hint for men.

Will from 4xlt suggested I just let the boy thing fade away. And I think I agree. There is a reason why neither of us is making that much of an effort and I refuse to be with someone who is settling for me. We hadn't chatted since he cancelled our date on me (a week?) and I thought it was finally pretty much over. But then he sends me this random text last night that is just a ':P'. What the hell? I didn't respond because I felt like it was just a token text. Something to make me think of him, but without the responsibility of actually having something to say. Grr... I think we could actually be friends, but I dread that conversation. It really would be easier to just stop talking to him. Anyways, everytime I've meant that 'just be friends' statement, it doesn't end up that way anyways. Well, you know i'll let you know.

I managed to make it to the gym Wednesday night, depsite being pretty exhausted from my overly-long day. I went to the condo gym and did 30minutes on the new cross trainer and then did some weight lifting. It's nice equipment, but the room still lacks something, like a fan... or cd player.

Anyways, I'm back in the big city tonight to catch up on blogs and to refamiliarize myself with 'human contact'. Have a good Saturday!

2009-05-26T09:41:00.002-04:00

Weight: 223.8lbs

As much as I would die to see 199lbs on the scale, for some reason the numbers aren't doing as much for me as they once did. I suppose after following the up's and down's for over two years now, something is bound to change. And it's also quite possible (and more likely) that it's just not a motivator at the moment because the numbers aren't in a motivating range. Although, I have managed to stop binge eating and overeating all my calories for the most part. That's not to say I am free and clear because quite often I have eaten most of my calories after lunch and am left with little for dinner, so that is something I have to work on for the rest of the week. I bought the George Foreman grill last night to appease my cravings for grilled everything in the summer (I'm not allowed to have a bbq on the balcony... sadface). I hope I actually use the damn thing...

I haven't been to the gym yet, but I did go for a long walk/jog on Saturday morning, played softball on Sunday evening and was forced to walk down and back up 11 flights of stairs when my relaxing time on the roof was rudely interrupted by a fire alarm on Monday afternoon. Today I am hoping to get to the gym, I don't care which gym it is, I just want to step foot in one (and exercise), that has always been the hardest step for me. And it's not the nicest day outside, so I might as well run indoors.

So that's how it's going as of late. It's been hard, I've had to make myself go to bed early so I don't snack and I have to make sure I stay away from the kitchen in between meals. But it's possible to lose this weight and I'm slowly getting back to where I once was...

2009-05-23T09:07:00.002-04:00

Weight: 224.2lbs (this helped in the beginning... might as well bring it back)

Day 1 was good, day 2 and 3 not so much. Yesterday was bad because I didn't have a backup plan. I was supposed to have a date with Bachelor #4 but he cancelled on me because he had to stay late at work. It's now been a month since we've seen each other and every day that passes just increases the apathy I feel for 'us'. Our hiatus began really because of me - I had final exams, I had the mexico/swine flu fiasco, the cottage, Ottawa, starting school again and he got sick for two weeks where it was probably best I didn't see him and most recently I got a kink in my back that involved some sketchy chiropractic clinic, x-rays and a life-saving massage therapist, oh yes and I also went up to a chalet last weekend (so in other words, I've been busy... and I'll admit I'm avoiding him too). So it's a bit sad, but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I'm not going to cry over it. I was hoping for my first fifth date although I was worried it would lead to me finally saying 'we should be just friends'. Oh well... So anyway, my plans fell through last night and I felt like I deserved to snack, so I did. At the very least I did more walking yesterday than usual, so there is a little progress.

I found out that my condo gym is all revamped now... well it still smells like plastic, but at least we have almost all new equipment. There is a nice bike, elliptical, stepper and a full set of dumbells. If the room wasn't so crowded and headache-inducing I'd go more often, but at least there is no excuse if I really don't want to walk the 5 minutes to the gym (or it's closed).

I decided I would go out for a walk/run today so I put out my exercise clothes last night. And, I'll admit it did help - this morning it feels like I have no choice but TO go.

And for eating, at the very least I am back to recording it on the Daily Plate (aka LiveStrong) and I am going to try to keep it relatively simple - fruits, using up some veggies, eggs, tuna, chicken, maybe a smoothie. I am having a 'rice crispy squares party' with my friend tonight (it's just where we make them), so I'll have to leave some calories left over to cover that (or run harder today).

Thanks for the comments last post. Those always help!

2009-05-20T07:42:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling it. Feeling all the weight. And it's bothering me. I feel a little lost in it, like I don't know where to begin. It's been a long, long time since I actually made a significant effort in this area of my life and I want it back. No better day than today, eh?

Right now I have to do this just one bloody day at a time because otherwise I am going to quit like the million of other times I have before. I don't want to get farther from 199lbs than I am right now (I'm too chickenshit to get on the scale at the moment). So one good day Briana. That can't be too hard, right? I am at school all day, which should help a bit and I have my dinner all made up. So it's just the other couple hours that I have to worry about.

I want to see the inside of a gym, I want to drink my water, I want to feel strong again. Urgh, I'm sick of myself. I've been saying this stuff forever! Where is that motivation from 2007? And how do I get a hold of it again?

2009-05-06T09:09:00.002-04:00

I've had a pretty horrible week (since my last post anyway).

Because of the swine flu the girls and I were back and forth on whether we should go. When I found out my insurance didn't even cover this particular situation, I pretty much said I would go no matter what. No point in losing money for nothing. But then my dad called me and made me think about what would happen if they closed the borders and we weren't able to get back to Canada. We wouldn't be able to start school on time and possibly lose the summer semester if it came down to it. American Airlines couldn't even guarantee that they'd bring us back if the border was closed, so that essentially stopped me in my tracks. My dad said it was only money - not a big deal. School and your health and life are more important. I cried after talking to him, sitting in my car weeping. I knew it was over, but the hardest part was telling a friend, who would lose all her money - money she couldn't just lose. But it was pretty much settled in my mind. There had been signs the entire time telling us not to go and we ignored them and ignored them.
Part of what made this horrible was that we had to study for our finals during this time, when all we wanted to do was to search for swine flu articles, make sure we were set for our trip. It all just went to shit.

The final story is that we managed to get travel vouchers from the company, so sometime in the next year we will be going on another trip. At least it's something. So instead of sticking around at home and wanting to kill myself, I invited the girls up to the cottage just to get away. To experience a little of the fun we had planned for. We drank a shitload, ate a shitload and now I am glad to be back.

I even had a dream while I was up there that Bachelor #4 gave me and him a gym membership as a gift. Now *that's* a sign. I think I'm almost ready to feel my muscles again.

I am heading to Ottawa tomorrow to visit my old roommate. She moved there a couple months ago and I figured with the void left by the cancelled trip left, I might as well fill with fun stuff.

Alright, well I don't think I'm going to eat anything for the next couple days to make up for the ridiculous amount we ate the past three days (all delicious though).

I might write again tomorrow, but otherwise you might not hear from me until Sunday or Monday. I'm going to try to comment soon on all your blogs!

2009-04-26T17:10:00.002-04:00

So a lot can happen in a week... and that's partially true with me. I'm done my two easiest exams (2 left to go), I had a sleepover at Bachelor #4's (I'll get back to that) and I booked a trip to Mexico!!! (Good time, eh? Freakin' swine flu) But nonetheless, we are going to Los Cabos to a 5-star resort (I don't even know how we managed that) and we're leaving on Saturday! Woot Woot! There are five of us going and it's going to be a fantastic trip (24 hour drinks and snacks). I'm mildly worried about the flu going around, but what can you do? I'm not going to give up the money I just paid and stop living my life. If I'm going to die, it might as well be on a beach! (how's that for melodramatism?) I bought a couple dresses and I still need to get some shorts and another bathing suit, but that will have to wait until after my Wednesday's exam.

So on to the boy situation... I went over to his place on Friday night. We watched t.v. shows, we laughed, we chatted on his balcony, we drank some drinks, we had a little (- or opposite of little) makeout session and... that's all folks and I told him so! Although he didn't have to sleep on the couch and give me his bed (what a dumbass), so... it's going good? I guess. I had a little internal breakdown where I seriously started to question if I was attracted to him, but I came to the conclusion today that fuck it, I'm going to keep with it because I like him. I'll figure out soon enough if I'm really not attracted to him or if it's just my vanity getting in the way.

I'm on my way to hopefully joining a bowling league this summer and I'll let you know how it goes... other than that, there isn't much to talk about. Eugh... back to studying..

2009-04-20T09:07:00.002-04:00

I am trying a little. I actually went for a jog yesterday evening (well mostly walk, but I'll guess that I jogged 2 out of the 6 or so kilometers). I went for a walk after bachelor #4 suggested it (hmm... maybe he'll be a good influence). But then... (here's the part I don't like admitting to) I fell into a bag of chips and peanut M&M's. I was fine until that moment and I screwed up the day (as I have done for weeks prior). Oh well, today is another day and all that crap. It's raining outside and I am going to go for a run in that today. But maybe I'll go to the gym, or at the very least check out my condo gym - they are supposed to be updating it or something. I will also plan my meals for the day. This is KEY Briana. KEY to my success. I rarely eat more than I know I'm allowed. I am just in a transition period with online food trackers. The Daily Plate, which was my go-to site for it for the past 2 years, joined forces with LiveStrong. I am opposed to that relationship, not only because I dislike Lance (sorry fans... but didn't he leave his wife and children for Sheryl Crow?! - and then leave Sheryl Crow? - and now hangs out with Matthew McConnaughey?) but also the site is infinitely slower and jumbled and the advertisements now pop-up!, which is more why I hate it. But all of my information is on there. I've been building my little food list for two years and having to do that again with Sparkpeople (I signed up) makes me want to just quit the whole thing. I'll give you a try TDP/LiveStrong, but if you fuck this up I am gone into the arms of Sparkpeople. Let's see if I can lose at least some of that bloated feeling before vacation-time!

Date #3 with Bachelor #4 went really well. We met up at 3pm to head to the art gallery. We walked around for two and a half hours just criticizing and joking around. We had a really nice time. There is rarely a moment of silence with us, even if it's not talking about anything in particular. That's the way it should be between people - conversations about nothing and everything, or at the very least comfortable silences. We went out for drinks and I had a salad as well. Now here is the curious part. The last two dates I've been on with him, he hasn't eaten anything. Saturday we were together from 3pm to 11:30pm and I didn't see him ingest one bit of food. It kind of makes me wonder if he's on a secret diet that we'll eventually talk about when we know each other better. It would be nice to have someone to do this whole weight loss thing with frankly. I don't want to presume, because I'm likely to get it wrong here, but it is curious. It could be that he just didn't want to spend the extra money? Eventually I'll get down to the bottom of it. Anyways, after our drinks, we headed to a pub where we would meet up with my friend and her 37 year old boyfriend. I was worried that it would be infiinitely awkward. They are theatre geeks and aren't always the best at engaging new people in conversation. Then why did I plan this you ask? Well, she had kind of pushed me into it. I think she wanted to be the first person to meet one of my potentials. It ended up eventually getting smoother once we all got comfortable with one another. My bachelor was quieter than usual, but he told me later this was on purpose. Hmmm... So although we would have had an easier time had it just been him and I, I am glad that I passed this invisible line with him. No man I've ever dated has met my friends before and I'm glad it was him. He's been the only one who I've dated so far who I can seeing successfully hanging out in my group. We eventually left the pub and headed towards the subway, but of course not before my friend awkwardly leads us into a Sex Shop. Yay? A little awkward for me on the third date, but I just laughed it off. Heck, maybe we'll be visiting it again in the future... (wink). Haha... We leave my friends behind on the subway to go off in the opposite direction and head home. He decides to walk me home (a first for him... but it's because he wants a kiss). I have to pee like mad, so we rush to my place, I run to the lobby bathroom while he waits. I walk him back outside (he does not get to come up this time... my place was a mess!). I go to give him a hug and he kisses me - or I kiss him... we kiss each other! This time a little french kissing. Frankly, I feel like a 14 year old when I describe it like that. It was nice, very tentative on his part, but good. Not sloppy at all. Woot woot! I think I even go on my tippy toes to kiss him. So... things are going well. He called me 'gorgeous' a couple times, but I don't think I really trust that word. When he calls me 'cute', I believe it more. He's a bit of a geek and he twittered about me after our date writing: '#3 successful. Totally less than three (<3 = heart) this girl.' Go me, eh?

I have four exams coming up, so I really have to figure out a way to prioritize my time with him and my studying (oh yeah... and weight loss...). This will be a challenge. Seriously. I don't have the time to chat with him for hours as I did last week. And we will be having date #4 on Friday night, right in the middle of it all. I am going over to his place too. Haha... now that will be interesting ladies and gentleman. And a first for dating (we'll disregard last year's one night stand for now)... Wish me luck, I am almost in new territory here. (#5 will be an absolute first).

2009-04-15T21:50:00.002-04:00

sooooo.... we meet again. Things are going well over here... not in weightloss... but in life. School is finally done-zo and I've been sitting around the house pretending to study. I spend most of my evenings chatting with Bachelor #4... for hours and hours. I like him, I really do. And he expresses explicit interest in me, so it's nice not to worry about how he feels. I still don't know where it's going, but there is serious potential there. We have an art gallery date for Saturday and that night he is going to meet one of my friends. This is a first for me, so we'll see how it goes. He even wrote me a poem, in exchange for allowing him to read/edit my essay... I know, I got the best deal - but I usually don't let people read my work, and I gave in.

I kind of just wish we were there already, you know? Comfortable and together. Past all the awkward 'firsts'. We still haven't fully kissed yet, and that is a hugely important skill. I've stopped dating guys because of their horrible, sloppy kissing. And I won't say that his size doesn't bother me, because when I expressly think about it, it does... but then when I don't... it doesn't. But I'm being hypocritical right now.. because I am the biggest lazy-ass of all time at the moment. He's tall, and he's smart, and we generally get each other's random shit. I told him that I had told my dad about our date and even mentioned the comments my dad's fiancee had made (about bringing my boyfriend to dinner). Now... apparently a girl isn't supposed to mention the word 'boyfriend' to a guy she's dating early on... but I don't play by the rules. And this is a guy who has jokingly asked me to marry him, so I wasn't too worried he'd freak out. It's not like *I* was calling him my 'boyfriend'. He ended up telling me that he had told his mom about me, and his mom told him I had a pretty name. Random, but nice.

I know this isn't a dating blog.. it's a weightloss blog. But I figure until I get my freakin' act together, this will have to suffice. :) He's slowly winning me over...

2009-04-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

I had my second date with Bachelor #4 (oh god... how many bachelors will there be??), and actually it went really well. We are so comfortable with one another. I tell him I have a secret old man crush on Ray Liotta, and he tells me that he does too. Comfortable, that is the word for it. And he's cute , certainly moreso in person than in his pictures. And he is large. And it does bother me a bit, but not enough to take away from all his other good qualities. We click in some way - I don't know if that means boyfriend/girlfriend territory, but something. I even told my dad about our date, a topic I have never broached with him... ever. But I figured it was time to let my dad know I'm not a secret lesbian. My dad's fiancee responded with "Ohh... you should bring your boyfriend to Easter dinner." Haha... 'boyfriend' and 'easter dinner' = hells no. I have to suck him into feminine power before he gets to meet my family. He's really nice too. I was joking about having to read a long journal article this past week and I asked if he wanted to read it and write me a short summary. He actually did it. It was a three page summary. And it was a 20 page article. He asked if he got brownie points for it. (He did). Don't tell him I didn't need it... I felt kind of bad when he was all done.
Oh yeah... and he finally kissed me. After we went to see the new Seth Rogen movie, we headed to my local pub for drinks and stayed for 3 or 4 hours just chatting. At the end of the night we stood outside, his arm on mine, mine on his... I gave him a hug and then just stared at him as he made small talk that I did not listen to. It's a signal! jeez... I thought for sure he wasn't going to go for it, but finally he asked in a small voice 'can I kiss you?' Haha... oh men. I obviously said yes, and we just kissed lips. I was a little surprised that he didn't go for a little makeout, but that's okay. I said afterwards 'keeping in simple eh?' And that's fine. But I need a real makeout to see if I feel it in my toes.

So that's that. We jokingly talk about the future, but I am trying hard not to put everything in this. I want to survive this if it doesn't go well.

In other parts of my life, things are going well. I successfully finished all my practical exams, classes are now over, I went to the gym once on Thursday, I still think I am generally eating less, but not more nutritionally. I'm working on small, itty bitty baby steps.

This weekend will be busy as all hell, but it will be good. I get to see my old roommate, I get two delicious Easter dinners and sadly I have to finish an essay. Oh yes... and softball practice today! Yay... alright.. sorry for the haphazard post, I just wanted to write a little review of my date before it was too late and things had already changed.

2009-04-06T08:10:00.003-04:00

Ahh... a morning post. Haven't done one of these in a while.

I had a really great weekend. My Friday date went really well. We ate delicious steak and seemed to be really comfortable with one another, despite meeting in person for the first time. Yuk Yuk's sucked, but that happens once in a while. He paid for everything (the dinner was really expensive, I feel kind of bad), but also didn't try anything. He didn't try to put his arm around me, or hold my hand. We hugged at the end without a kiss. We were on the subway, so I wouldn't have kissed him there anyway, but I am now kind of curious if he finds me attractive. It is possible that he doesn't. He said we would go out again, but he hasn't asked me to do something directly yet. Ahh buggers, I just have to wait it out.

Saturday was nice, I finally went grocery shopping and spent a lot of money on vegetables, so I will try to incorporate them back into my diet. It's been a while broccoli. I forget how much I like you steamed. My friends came over on Saturday night to pre-drink before going out to a club. We had a lot of fun playing 'Things in a box' where you get a statement like 'things you would never say to your teacher' and everyone secretly writes down an answer and each person around the room has to guess who said it. If you have fun, shameless friends like myself, it actually is a blast. I drank way too much and ate way too much poutine, but it was a wonderful night.

Sunday I went to visit my niece and nephew (and brother and SIL, I suppose). It was nice to see them, they grow up so fast. My brother and I got into a bit of a fight where he called me some rude names that I actually couldn't believe he called me. I had to tell him never to f'ning call that again 'jackass'. I was actually really surprised. We fight a bit, but never have I seen him direct his anger straight to me like that. I was ready to leave right then and there for that. He's not a good brother anyway, and no way would I let someone talk to me like that. I don't mind some banter and a few choice words, but these felt different. We sat in silence and I couldn't even look at him after that. He tried to appease things by giving me a Wii game. This is how emotionally stunted my family is. But I realized the gesture and at least spoke to him. But I will never forget. (Except I totally forget the words he used... how weird is that?).

No comment on anything else. I haven't been stuffing my face or anything, but I haven't been watching what I eat. Ugh... and I have a practical exam in two hours, so I best get dressed and off to school!

2009-03-31T19:57:00.002-04:00

I am feeling behind.. (which I am). I have so many things to do and so little motivation to do any of it. And I don't even mean strictly weight loss related. I have friends to catch up with, many friends to contact and some to find time to visit. I have tons of work to do at school that I just don't even want to touch. I have boys to chat up and entice and also find time to meet up with. And then there is the actual school, sleep, eating, and then there is time for exercise and nutrition. Needless to say I've been remiss on all of these fronts. Minus the boys really.

So Bachelor #1 is no longer in my life. Why? I have no idea. He cancelled a date with me a week ago and never contacted me again. I felt like he was getting distant prior to that, so I can't say I was surprised. Just disappointed. He gave a super lame excuse that involved both family and work (on a Sunday) that I automatically knew our whole thing was gonzo. I thought that was immature of him. Eventually (i.e. yesterday) messaged him to say that if he wasn't interested, he could have told me and then I promptly deleted him. No point in dwelling, these things happen. On to new things (and hopefully better).

Bachelor #3 is still in the picture. I went on date #3 with him on Friday, big deal for me as I have never been on a third date with a guy before. And in fact I am going on a 4th this Thursday. It's not a forever thing with him, but I enjoy his company (and attention... I won't lie). Third date involved a little kissing after spending 5 hours together and awkwardly chatting about how neither of us would make the first move. Of course he did... just as he was leaving. It felt good to kiss again, it had been a long while. He's coming over again for a 'movie night' - his suggestion (of course) this week, but luckily I avoid any awkward suggestions of sex as a friend from out of town needed a place to stay for a few nights and would be coming in at about 11pm. So we can makeout a bit... but nothing else. I like to think I'm not that easy anyway.

Friday is a first date with Bachelor #4, a new boy I have been recently talking to. We have quite the chemistry (online anyway... which means absolutely nothing in real life), we enjoy similar things and have similar senses of humour. He's tall (yay!) and has a job and friends - all very promising attributes. He's taking me out to dinner and a comedy show... I am surprisingly not that nervous. (yet?) I just want to find that chemistry in real life.

So... eating... no comment. I haven't been bingeing or anything, but I haven't been eating my veggies and proper proportions. Exercise... well besides that random walk/run on Sunday the only exercise I get is walking to and from the TTC (at least I take the long way most days). Why can't I get it together? Get my bloody life in order? I need a break from it all and need to take some time for myself and chill out. Remind myself why I am doing any of this... (psst... it's for my vacation!)

2009-03-29T09:44:00.002-04:00

whoopsies...

I didn't mean to leave the blog this long, but I just didn't have much to say on the whole weight loss front (and 'front' is probably a pretty good word describing it as it's a bloody, high-casualty battle right now).

I had briefly got back to exercising and then saw that this had absolutely no effect on weightloss, in fact sent the scale up a few. So I stopped - I know... I am an idiot (I was busy too). And my eating didn't help it. Some days are bad and some days are so average that my body refuses to reward me for them. I don't blame her.

I still fit in my clothes because the horrible days don't come around too often, nonetheless weight loss has stalled. So, in other words, I need a kick in the ass. There is only one month left before vacation time (thank you sweet little baby jesus!) and I would like to feel like the opposite of a lardy ass.

So that brings me to goals for the week:

-Exercise... I don't give a crap if it makes me gain some weight initially, it will help in the long run.
-Water... lately I have been letting this slip big time. Just back to basics here.
-Tracking... it helps, it always has. When I'm not tracking, it's because I'm not losing. (I'm Brianwithana on Daily Plate if anyone is also there...)
-Realize that my health is more important than boys. This will be a hard one, I have to let some dates pass me by if it interferes with my life-plan right now.
-Blog for a week straight. This is just so it doesn't feel abandoned.

That's all for now.

I'll discuss the boy situation a little later - it's amazing how things change so quickly in the beginning of these 'relationships'.

Oh... and I passed my two-year blogging anniversary with nary a word! Oh well... Here's to two more years (and to eventual discussions on weight-maintaining, eh?)...

2009-03-19T22:07:00.003-04:00

So... I'm not going to weigh-in this week due to some St. Patty's Day celebrations as well as an inordinate amount of eating out etc. this past week. I am hoping to at least maintain this past weight for next Wednesday, but obviously would ideally like to see a loss... any loss. Seriously. I can't get this close to my lowest weight and then head northward once again. I won't allow it.

And although I have finally made it back on the exercise bandwagon, it has caused uncontrollable urges to eat. So while last week I was able to stop eating at night pretty easily, the past two days have been the exact opposite. I can feel the bloatedness and extra weight that I wasn't carrying around last week. I am hoping part of it is just the muscles holding on to some extra water, but I also know it's because my eating habits have not been spot on. Here we go again. Maybe I should make my lunch right now...

I was printing off my strength training logs to take to the gym and I realized that it has been a month since the last time I touched a weight machine. How sad. No wonder I feel flabby and weak. And I can see from my performance that I lost a lot of muscle over that time period. And I know it doesn't even take a month to lose it... I just gave it some extra time to make sure I was practically at square one. At least I'm back at it right?

The boy thing is meh. I feel a distance from them right now, so I am trying hard not to put my eggs in their baskets and just have fun with it. I technically have a date with Bachelor #1 on Sunday - my third date with him and it's my first third date ever. I know... kinda sad... but also super exciting. And no... none of that will be had... Unless he smells really good. I wish more men knew how important it is to smell good. More making out (etc.) would be had by all. Or is that just me? Maybe I have low standards. We'll see... I have this feeling it will end soon. I never thought we'd be together forever, but I wanted it to last a little longer. Jeez. As for Bachelor #3, who knows. I feel like he's annoyed that I don't always talk to him when he's online (ugh.. the problem with online dating), but for fuck sakes I don't talk to any of my friends every single day. I need a break so there are actually things to talk about. I don't know if that's the actual reason he's being distant, but it's what it seems to be. Men are such babies.

2009-03-14T19:18:00.002-04:00

So it turns out I am just neurotic and my dear Bachelor #1 was busy this week, working long hours. So we had made a date for today that I am just getting back from. It would have been an evening of bowling, but I developed a head cold last night, so I told him I'd prefer something low key (or not at all if he preferred). We decided on a long walk to a movie as it was beautiful outside. When I first got to our meeting place (I had almost forgot what he looked like) I worried that I would feel a little aversion to him because I remember being unsure of how attracted I was to him. And I mean he's still not my ideal, but I don't feel that same 'don't touch me' feeling I get with most guys. And I even had this feeling that if he held my hand during the movie, I wouldn't stop him. I even thought about grabbing his hand myself. I didn't... only because I was likely swarming with germs. God, I am disgusting. I think he may have wanted to kiss me and ended up getting a cheek because I can barely breathe through my nose and when I do, clear fluid drips out of it. So... no good could have come of that. I think I would have liked to. And for the record, I like him more than last week. This is very unusual news for me. So third date? Maybe... maybe not?

I had my second date with Bachelor #3 yesterday and it was also good. He talked way too much about himself and how awesome he was and that makes me become a devil's advocate and bring him down a notch or two (sorry!), but he IS a nice guy. He is good at conversation and we end up enjoying ourselves. At the beginning of the date I realized just how short he is... definitely shorter than his stated '5'8' as I am 5'8. Bloody guys, always lying about their height. We went for dinner and a movie (I know, not very original). He didn't try anything and I didn't want him to. By the end of the date I thought he was cuter than before, but there is still something stopping me from going further with him. So I told him (and he's okay with) being friends for now. We'll see how long that lasts.

So that's where I am right now with the boy situation and perfectly okay with that.
I am barely holding on to the 209's (although I did see 208.something on Thursday morning). I am hoping to keep it steady at least through the weekend, although I will admit that I just ate a crapload of chips. On a good note, I didn't have any popcorn at the movies (either time), just some Twizzlers today. The sickness automatically makes me feel bloated, so I am not really hungry for real food.

Tomorrow, bright and early I am heading to Buffalo for a shopping trip so that will make it hard to keep on track. At least there will be lots of walking... and laughing.

Anyways, I just wanted to write a quick note before I get ready for tomorrow and go to sleep really, really early.

2009-03-11T21:59:00.002-04:00

Yay! New weigh-in at 209.4lbs. Sweet! So I made my 'under 210' goal a month and a half past my intended date. Ahh... not too bad. I am pretty sure I had a past goal that was get to 200 by May 2008, and we all know where I'm not. (But will soon be!)

So as much as I like to think I am one of those new-age girls with extreme confidence and independence, I am fucking anxiety-ridden with this whole boy thing. I didn't set a specific second date with Bachelor #1 and now I haven't spoken to him in two days (I know! It's only two days... but still... It's been TWO days...). I keep thinking was I too clingy lately? Not clingy enough? Was a little too aloof? Should have made out with him? Should I contact him now? But I think I just have to calm my bloody self down. It will be okay. Even if he doesn't contact me (he's not very smart if he doesn't - all he has to do is not screw up date #2). I told him straight up I was interested in a second date and I just need him to approach me if he's still interested. Man, this is ridiculously hard. I like just knowing things, being in the loop - it's why I don't mind honesty. At least then you know where you stand.

Bachelor #3 and I (at least) set a second date for Friday night. We are going out for dinner somewhere and going to a movie, maybe drinks after if we are not too exhausted. I think it will be a good date, but I honestly keep thinking more about B#1, so I need closure on him (or an opening?) before I can get my feelings straight with B#3.

Heck, maybe I secretly love the drama and the chase of it all. No wait... I don't. I really really don't. At least the weight loss is going really well. Three pounds down this week for a total of 7.6lbs down in 6 weeks. Ahh... wish me luck (with my myself).

2009-03-10T08:26:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm not dead on the side of the highway, so that's always a good outcome of a date. I did in fact look really good. My navy blue scoop neck, empire waist shirt fit pretty perfectly and managed to hide a couple flaws, but still show off my figure. I had bought size 14 jeans (only my second pair ever), but they gave me a little bit of muffin top, so a regular pair of jeans were worn. My pointy toed, cream-coloured flats just completed the outfit. I felt good (the whole point of a new outfit).

And I should admit that plans kind of compounded this weekend. Not only did I have a dinner date with Bachelor#1, but I also ended up making plans with Bachelor #3 for Sunday and Bachelor #2 came into the picture (he's the date I had approximately two weeks ago) for Saturday. Frankly, I didn't even want to go out with Alex again. He had gotten a little testy at me for not contacting him sooner after our first date (which I will tell you - the 'date' was just an hour at a coffeeshop) and he didn't even ask for my number. So, personally I didn't think it was a big deal to wait the week, mind you I was studying for two important midterms for that Friday. And I told him straight up that school comes first. Ever since then he's been a bit weird, and I can't take sensitive men. So anyways, he ended up bailing. I moved up Bachelor #3's date to Saturday. So it all worked out.

Bachelor #1 is very intriguing. He's older (32), short (my height - which I don't like), he's a little tubby (but not significantly), he's very smart, very good at conversation (asks a LOT of questions), confident with a bit of cockiness, but he's also a bit of a nerd and may have a few gay-ish mannerisms (although, I still believe he's heterosexual), something about him lets me tell him the straight truth about things and not really feel bad about it (I told him that I didn't know if I was attracted to him at the beginning of the date when he asked and at a point I told him we couldn't hold hands). But overall, it was an excellent date, I wish the immediate attraction was there, but maybe that will build with time. He took me to a quaint French restaurant where he ordered a bottle of pinot noir and camembert to start. I had steak/frites, he had the bison and we finished with creme brulee. All very good and he generously paid. It was easy conversation; it was nice not to come up with all the questions in a conversation for once, although I think he would have liked me to ask more. At the beginning of the date he called me 'cute' (it's my tag, I don't expect much more than that), but as the date went on he started to call me beautiful and then 'sultry' at one point. Haha... men, try to be so smooth. We walked the streets of Toronto after our dinner, arm-in-arm. And then headed to a pub for some more drinks. We ended up spending about 5 hours together overall just talking and making our way around the city. It was nice to have such an ease about the whole deal. Although he could tell my mind was going fucking 200mph trying to assess if there were any official dealbreakers (like being unattractive to me), but I couldn't come to a conclusion. He walked me home and asked about a goodnight kiss (for the record, I prefer a man just go for it). I told him he a quick kiss, but no makeout. Although, that may have told me a bit more about my attraction for him had he gone for it. So that's the date. There will definitely be a second date on my part, if he still wants one.

Bachelor #3 seemed to be a little skittish about the whole online dating/meeting thing, definitely felt it a bit embarrassing. For me, I find it a necessary evil, the men I like in my day-to-day life are completely offbounds, so I have to find ones that are actually single. However, when we finally met up, he was talkative and confident, and also short. Oh well, a long time ago I had this image of me and my future husband and he was short and a little unattractive, but dedicated, loving and loyal - so maybe that's my fate. #3 wasn't unattractive, I'd consider him cute, but definitely liked talking about himself. He would catch himself sometimes and say 'whoops, I feel like I'm doing all the talking (you are), tell me about yourself...' So he was trying, and honestly at that moment, I didn't mind. He told me I was attractive (a pretty awesome weekend for my ego). Again, it was an easy conversation - and yes, I did contribute, he seemed really comfortable with me, and I would say the same. He paid for our total 7 pints (only three were mine and I was buzzed!) and walked me to a cab. I gave him a hug and a quick kiss (no makeout) and headed home. I'd go on another date with him too.

I was chatting with B#1 on Sunday and he asked me if I had done any analysis on the date and come to any conclusions. I told him I hadn't had time to discuss with my friends, but that they would likely tell me to go on a second date. I asked if he did the same and he said 'there was chemistry, but hesitation.' Hell, he hit the nail on the head. There is something there, I just don't know what yet. He said that he had a heart-to-heart with a friend on Saturday over pints and that they had decided that I have a 'very careful and considered approach to these things' and that we should go on another date to see if we mesh. And he slips in, also: you're very attractive. A flattering man, is one after my heart. Although, there is the paradoxical feeling that by complimenting me it raises my ego a bit to question whether I can get someone 'better'. So I have to watch myself, because he seems like a good thing that I shouldn't just disregard.

B#3 told me his friend had told him to go after me or he'd slap the black off him (he's not even black). Kinda funny and kinda flattering. I'm not used to the attention, but I am going to try my best to keep my morals and my 'self' intact. Anyhoo... long story, but hopefully I have two second dates coming my way.

Weight loss has been going really well this past weekend. I went up a little here and there, but ultimately I am keeping to the straight and narrow. I weighed-in this morning and 209.8lbs showed up. Sweet. I went on a walk Saturday morning to figure out my feelings (I'm no further along) and I actually forced myself to go to the gym yesterday morning. I just did cardio, but it did feel great. And who knew that in three weeks of absence they would have got all new equipment and re-did the floors and decor. Huh. Well... nice for me.

Ohh... I also found out my cervix is normal (yay! for now...) and that some of my high blood pressure is due to whitecoat hypertension and I switched my birth control to the one that I can take right through to skip a period... So it's been a good couple of days!

Haha and my doctor took my new weight to compare to my weight from September. It's 1.4kg down... ouch.. 6 months and 1.4kg. At least it's a loss right? (And heck, that includes Christmas and New Years)...

2009-03-05T12:59:00.002-05:00

The weigh-in was a good one this week... although a day late. 212.4lbs, which means another 1.6lbs down this last week despite all the weekend fun. And I just got on the scale again, just for curiosity sake because I haven't eaten since breakfast (don't worry I am eating right now), it was 211.8lbs. Sweet jesus. So although the weight loss is pretty small, I am pretty happy with it. Slowly but surely getting back down into the last decade of the 200s... Hmm... maybe even next week if I'm diligent enough.

I have another date on Friday with a different man. I spoke to him on the phone once and it was great. He's smart and easygoing, but I can sense a bit of aggressiveness and confidence, so I will admit I'm excited about this one. We'll see... he's taking me out for dinner at a nice restaurant, something a man hasn't done for me in years... if not ever. My dates are always pubs, or coffeeshops or bowling, so this will be a little daunting for me. I have to last through a whole conversation! Bah.. that's never my problem... my problem is always men not ever asking me any questions about myself, so I get to spend hours listening to them talk about themselves, or me fake caring about them. Gosh, dating is tough. Anyways, I bought a new outfit for the date. Something a bit casual (jeans) but then a bit upscale (a silky top and pointy toed flats). I want to look drop dead goregeous. I'm glad the weight loss is coming along to help me at least feel that way. Now I just need to make it happen!

2009-03-03T10:13:00.002-05:00

Sorry... I've been bad. Last week was a long week of studying and lack of sleep. Although, I did get down to 213.4lbs while in the midst of it. Then the weekend showed up. I had planned a rock band party on Friday night, but it first involved poutine (with pulled pork) and then later in the evening, it was pizza and chips (the easiest thing to fill 9 people when you don't have time to cook). It was fun, but man we were all exhausted from the previous few days of studying. Then it was Saturday and not only did I have pizza and chip leftovers, but my sister, her bf and my mom and I went out for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. I haven't had pasta in ages, although I didn't eat the whole pasta dish, I did in fact have a delicious banana cake for dessert (that I ate all of). That night we also headed out to see The Color Purple (the musical). For those of you in Toronto, I highly recommend it. It was great and most of the actors had beautiful voices (and I'm pretty picky when it comes to musicals).
Sunday was another day out and another play. It was a smaller one, which had a friend of the family acting in it. It was also good, thank god... telling people who suck that they are great is hard to make sound believable. We went out afterward to have a chat, ate some food and then headed to a movie with one of my very old friends (the daughter of the actor). So it was a nice weekend of culture and friends, but didn't help the waistline.
Monday was equally hard as I still had a few chips left over and I was still feeling too lazy to do any cooking. I hope to get back to normal today. At the very least, my hunger is back with a vengeance (better than the bloat).

2009-02-24T21:35:00.002-05:00

Alright, this morning I saw 214.8lbs on the ol' scale. A number not seen in many many moons. Sweet. I wasn't perfect yesterday, but after a period of some overeating occurring between the hours of 4-5pm, I slapped myself straight and stopped the eating. I was only over calories by about 200 at the end of the day, so nothing I was going to cry over.

Today, I am not quite sure if I ate over or under - I haven't calculated it all, but I stepped on the scale just now and it was 216.2lbs. That's a good number if I want to see a loss tomorrow morning. It's enough to prevent me from eating all of the buns I just bought for sandwiches and even will stop me from eating the Cadbury Creme egg I bought for a treat. That will be for tomorrow.

And as for my date... We had agreed that we would meet outside a Starbucks and then head in to chat for a bit. I get there a bit early and stand outside waiting. And wait. 5 minutes after our meeting time. Ten minutes after our meeting time. I was sure I had been stood up for the first time. Freakin' bastard. Luckily I had brought some backup homework to occupy myself. As soon as I step inside the coffee shop I see a man sitting in an arm chair who looks vaguely familiar. I give him the wonky eye and he does the same thing back at me. I mouth to him 'Alex?' and he nods. Alas! I was not stood up... he just waited inside completely disregarding our meeting spot. Jeez. Oh well... no harm done. We hug and shake hands. He's much taller than I ever pictured. Probably 6'4 if I was to guess. He's cute from a distance, but a little less so up close. I end up asking most of the questions to begin with, but we manage to step into a relatively comfortable conversation. It's not the best date I've ever had; we laughed a bit, but no teasing banter that I look for. It also wasn't the worst date I've ever had. Meaning... I'm a little on the fence with him. My friend tells me to just give him a chance and go on another date. And maybe I should. That's what I told myself when I started this up again, that I shouldn't just disregard the men I thought I disliked. So I'll let you know. There is also another guy in the midst who (at least online) I have that fun chat with. No expectations though. That's the way it has to be.

I'm super busy with school this week - two midterms on Friday, so exercise is placed on the back burner for now. I just don't have time. Saturday morning I will for sure force myself up and at 'em. Well... on to not eating. And I did end up lowering my calories a bit. I was eating about 1700-1800 to lose 0.8/week. So I just lowered it to around 1500. This way I seem to actually feel a difference.

2009-02-22T09:52:00.002-05:00

I should preface this post by saying it was my reading week this past week and I think that's the reason for my lack of posting. I rarely want to do anything when I'm on 'vacation.' Instead I played a lot of Rock Band (as you can imagine) and did the tiniest bit of homework. Seriously though, I talked more of studying than actually doing it. Someday I plan to have this whole procrastination thing nicked... but I don't know when. I'll worry about that later.

The weight has been ridiculously up and then down, but thankfully I've gotten back on track the past two days (so I'm back at 215.8lb). I'll be honest when I say that what got me back on track was a particularly upsetting swimsuit try-on. It made me fear for the world if I was to be in public in any of the number of bathing suits I donned. It scared me into not eating. It was time.

So, I was walking around a mall in which I wanted to buy something but nothing would fit (re: swim suits) and nothing was nice enough for me to want, sooo... I went to Future Shop and bought myself a Wii and Rock Band. I have a problem. Seriously. At least I have 30 days to return if I change my mind, but honestly... I've been playing pretty steadily. And when I'm playing, it means I'm not eating. So it's the best of both worlds - I'm learning to play baby-guitar and also I'm losing weight. Neat.

I haven't been exercising. I think maybe I went twice this past week? I decided at some point, between the blizzards, freezing weather and pure laziness that I wouldn't worry about it this week. I'll be back when I'm on my schedule again.

Ekk.. so yes, I have been back on the internet dating scene. It's a sad sad place, but I have hope.
I have a date this afternoon with a guy who I first contacted. We'll see... I'm probably a little rusty at the whole 'date' and 'conversation' thing, so I hope I don't scare him away. Can you think of any questions I should ask? ... boxers or briefs? are you secretly married? if you could be an animal, which would you be? your favourite constellation? etc... I need help.

2009-02-17T08:28:00.002-05:00

I had a great Valentine's day. Not with my boyfriend - because he doesn't yet exist, but with two of my single girl friends. We drank several bottles of wine and ate random, but delicious, food. I ran and strength trained that morning in preparation for all the eating. And yes, there was lots of eating. I did cut up vegetables and fruit to balance the other stuff... however, I then made chocolate fondue for that fruit. And smothered in chocolate makes it a little less healthy. But more delicious. It's been hard since Saturday night to get back in line. Sunday was a complete write-off, I slept in and ate random leftovers. Monday I went to visit my mom and had to settle for some crappy Golden Griddle buffet when our regular place had a line out the door. I kept it to a plate and a half of food, but really wasn't satisfied with it all. I didn't eat anything else the rest of the day until I got home and knew I had some ground beef to get rid of. It turned into this wonderful chip dip with (light) cream cheese, salsa, cheddar. It was unnecessary, but I ate a good amount of it with sour cream and some lindt chocolates. I felt disgusting after. At the very least I can say I didn't eat the whole thing... as that would have been a full thing of cream cheese, a pound of ground beef and more cheese. Jeez louise.

The best part of my day was playing my first game of Rock Band at my brother's place. I freakin' love it, I couldn't stop myself. I need to get myself one - except I only have N64 and that's way too old school to work those newfangled games. I played some bass and guitar, but my favourite will always be singing. I kick ass at the singing part (well... on the songs I already know) - 99% on 'It's My Life' on my first try. Hells yeah, but I've been perfecting that song since I first discovered it on my mom's old Talk Talk record. Whereas with the guitar I merely get through it. Seriously... I would be playing right now if I owned it.

I got up with a small intention of heading to the gym, but then it changed from that to a walk outside, but now it's just me sitting at home - in my gym outfit no less. I am heading out at 12pm which is partly what's making me second guess myself. I am going to the Science Center... fun! So, I promise I will go to the gym tonight, after I get home and before I head to my friend's for the evening (ahem, to play more Rock Band) if there is at all some time. Really, I need to... yesterday was my strength training day and I can't get too far behind in that. So at the very least I should go and lift some weights. But in the meantime... SCIENCE!

2009-02-13T22:11:00.002-05:00

Holy crap. I have never sweat so much in my entire life. In downward dog I could see my sweat just dripping onto the mat. At times I could barely hold my feet with my hands, as both my hands and feet were sweaty - apparently sweat has little traction, who knew? My tank top was completely soaked, and I would have to stop at various intervals to both wipe the sweat from my eyes and calm the heart rate. Although, even just sitting made me sweat. It was 90minutes and by the end I was definitely dehydrated and honestly a little light-headed. I enjoyed it, but next time, I'll just stick with the hour-long sessions. I'm not conditioned enough to last 90 minutes... yet.

And today? Well, today I feel muscles that I have not felt in a long time, if not ever. The area between my shoulder blades is right and sore and my hamstrings are the same way. But, frankly, it feels great. I won't talk about food, because that's been a problem the last two days. Although, I have made some strides that I will call significant. At a bar for lunch (yes... before hot yoga... haha don't judge) I order fries (they are the most delicious one's in the city according to me) but I also ordered a green salad, when I could have ordered quesadillas or a burger. And that night, I went out for dinner and had my first veggie burger and another salad. I still went over calories with some ice cream after hot yoga, so it wasn't that great. But nonetheless, I am making some better choices while out.

Ah, yes, and I almost forgot about my Thursday morning weigh-in, which was a barely decent 215.4lbs (so, down another 0.8lbs from the week before). I am alright with this though, because it's better than Wednesday's 217 something, which I knew was off. So, extremely slow weight loss is my journey - I can't complain when I have eaten out 3 out of 7 nights the past two weeks...

2009-02-11T20:28:00.002-05:00

Hmm... I'm not even quite sure what I want to write about today. Technically I should be at the gym right at this very moment, but I had a busy day and only a short sleep last night which makes me exhausted today.

I haven't been doing poorly, but I haven't been giving it my all, as I should be. For some reason my water intake has been low and my salt intake is high and it showed at the doctor's office today in my blood pressure. And needless to say, this morning's weigh in wasn't very pleasant. I felt bloated and tired and the scale said 'up a pound', but I am going to wait until tomorrow to post, I want to see a different number and really I don't trust the one I saw this morning considering the number was right on track on Tuesday morning.

I am trying hot yoga tomorrow afternoon. I am excited for that, I am hoping I don't pass out from the heat. I have to remember to bring to school with me: yoga mat, humongus water bottle, towel, and workout clothes.

In the back of my mind constantly is the image of a bathing suit and then me in a bathing suit and how much I would like to look better in said bathing suit, so it keeps me on track when I'm at the gym. Fuck, I should be at the gym. I need to do the circuit. I'd have to leave right now... Grr... I don't have time to go after yoga tomorrow, because I am going to a movie with my friend in my hometown, so that just leaves Friday and Saturday which doesn't equal 4 times at the gym (if I don't count yoga). Damn, you convinced me you wily blog...

2009-02-08T22:47:00.002-05:00

I had a really great long weekend. I ate so much food and all of it was wonderful.

We started off my girl's night with chocolate martinis and then bailey's infused hot chocolate. Oh man, we used timtams (a chocolate-covered wafer cookie) as a straw to suck up the hot chocolate and once you could taste the drink in the cookie you'd put it all in your mouth. Soo melty and delicious. Holy shit, I will be dreaming about it for the rest of my life. Then we went out to the restaurant and had three course meals. So roast duck to start, osso bucco and then maple-brandied creme brulee. Oh man, the osso bucco actually melted in my mouth, there was no reason to even chew it. And then we headed out to a pub, although didn't stay out super duper late. We all used it as an excuse not to go to class on Friday, which means I definitely slept in and barely got out of my pjs. Hells yes.

I had the play on Friday night, which was actually pretty good. I'm always a little worried when I see school productions of successful musicals, but I enjoyed this one. Some dead-on comedy in it. I would love to see the professionally acted Urinetown, hopefully it will come back to Toronto sometime soon.
Secretly the funny musicals always give me this urge to act (and sing). I'm always thinking of how I would do a scene or say a piece of dialogue differently. I went to an acting summer school when I was much, much younger and I remember loving the excitement surrounding the production; the adrenalin chased all the nervousness away. However, it's that nervousness that prevents me from even auditioning these days. Who knows... maybe someday I'll stick my neck out. My friend who is in university for vocal studies tells me I should do a play with her, so maybe I will. (Don't hold me to it...)

Saturday was also a pretty good day. I got up early and headed to the gym. I ran a bit, ellipticalled and did my circuit training. I ate really well during the day, but I knew that the dinner would essentially negate all the exercise. Oh well... I knew this week would be difficult. Dinner was good, but not as amazing as Thursday's meal. And Kevin Smith was freakin' hilarious. If you are curious what he speaks about just rent 'An Evening with Kevin Smith' and you'll see... On the way home, although I wasn't even hungry, I stopped at McDonald's and got a nugget meal with a sundae. I really don't know why I did it. It was almost as if I anticipated my future boredom and knew I'd be looking for food during that point, so might as well pre-empt it.

Thank god today was much better. No exercise, but I kept the calories down. Okay... including a million little lindt lindor eggs, but I counted them!

Bedtime!

2009-02-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

Well...
Weigh-in: 216.2lbs a.k.a. down 0.8lbs.

Man, that sucks arse. BUT, it's also that time of the month, so perhaps that had something to do with the unsatisfactory results. I am going to keep on and hope that next week is a little more encouraging. If it's not, then I'll re-evaluate just how many calories I've been intaking and maybe cut back (just a little though!). Besides the staggeringly slow weight loss, I've actually enjoyed life lately knowing I don't have to spend every waking moment evaluating what I am eating and thinking about NOT doing eating. Today was not a good example of good eating. I was munchy as all hell and nothing would satisfy my cravings, not sure if this is again part of the 'women's issues' or the fact that I know that today is the farthest away from the next weigh-in I can get.

I just realized today, that with my social engagements over the next few days, exercise will be difficult to schedule in. I think I might have to go between classes tomorrow and go to a gym close to school or the one at school (I really dislike this idea, but there is no other way). And on Friday, it's either I skip my morning class (I was considering this anyway) and going or not going at all.

Oh well, whichever I choose it's not the end of the world.

2009-02-03T21:52:00.002-05:00

Not too much to write about today. I woke up sick once again, although truthfully I never really got over my last cold. So all I really wanted to do today was go back to bed. Luckily, knowing that it's 'Circuit Day', I forced myself up and at 'em. Cardio was brutal with a snotty nose, so I cut it down to just 30minutes of elliptical-ing and did a good go 'round of strength training. My muscles are definitely feeling stronger lately, but man, do I feel like ass today. I wish someone had developed a cure for the common cold, because right now... I would pay upwards of 5 whole dollars for that baby.

Eating has been mediocre today. I ate a bit more than I wanted to, but considering I am still hungry at 11pm and abstaining from stuffing my gourd, I'm doing alright. I meant to go grocery shopping today, but by the end of it all, I just didn't feel like it. I need some more prunes, so it has to happen soon. I'm not kidding.

My dad is coming over tomorrow afternoon to fix my leaking bath faucet that decided today to POUR instead of just simply drip. I've had to turn off water to that tap just to do my part in saving the planet. I assume we'll have some dinner together, but I never know when it comes to plans with the father.

Anyhoo... I'm off to bed!

2009-02-02T21:03:00.002-05:00

I had a really good and hopeful day today. Nothing was particularly special about the day itself, I went to school, got perfect on a practical exam (a very easy one - despite some serious hand shaking), sat around and chatted with my friends before class and then went to class.

It was what my friends and I discussed today that made my day. Reading week is coming up in two weeks and we were lamenting the fact that we all want to go away, but few have money or time... so the idea came up that in between our winter and summer semester (April-May and yes, this year I have to go to school in the summer - shitballs) we should have a couple weeks off and we should use that time to go away. It gives people time to earn and put away some money and make sure they put aside the time. Hmm... I love this idea! I've been wanting to get away with friends for ever. I've been to Mexico, Cuba, Dominican Republic and Panama, so I haven't been deprived or anything, but I've always gone with my sister (my older sister). I love her, but I'm not the same person with her as I am with my friends. It's relaxing and quiet with my sister whereas I know it will be a riot with my friends. Ahh.. seriously, I am excited! And, it's just another motivation to get some more weight off - three months to work towards something (i.e. not being embarrassed at being in pictures in a bathing suit). I was looking briefly into prices and for well under a $1000 we can go somewhere all-inclusive (a necessity!)... I am thinking maybe Cuba. But I suppose I'll consult the other girls before I finalize that on my own. So far there is just three of us, with a fourth 'most likely' and they are all my favourite girls from class. Yeeee!

Another topic of conversation involved softball and how several people from class are joining our team this year, which is wonderful. And my good friend in class piped up about why wasn't she asked too? Haha... honestly none of us had even thought about it, we figured after talking about it openly, that people who were interested would just say so. So she is likely to join as well!... That makes about 8 or 9 people from my class on my team (.. on which I am an assistant captain... whooee, look at me going up in the softball world). Later on I went on this google kick searching for potential names (something clever or funny) for our wonderful team. Ahh.. just got me so excited for the season to just begin already! Nothing really happened today... but there is just so much to look forward to!

My friend also asked me if I'd like to try out hot yoga with her sometime, which of course I would! My god, coincidently this past weekend I was looking up youtube yoga videos to try out because I had been thinking about increasing my flexibility. And I've always thought the idea of hot yoga would be interesting. So I am not sure when, but at the very least it's on my radar now and one of the studios is only a block away from me. So I'd love to try it out with her to begin, but I don't need to rely on her if I love it. And with that excitement for soon trying out something new, I did a great (and relatively short) yoga routine by Rainbeau Mars (who has a wicked bod! definitely something to look up to) and I felt fantastic. It felt so great to use my body in that way again. It's been years since I've done yoga and I don't know why I stopped.

So all-in-all... it's been a hopeful day. There is tons to look forward to in the next few months. And all of it is encouraging and supportive of my health goals. Beautiful!

The end of this week will be a challenge, but also a wonderful time. I am going out for a late dinner on Thursday with two of my girlfriends and then seeing a play on Friday night with my sister (Urinetown) and then again out for dinner with my sister and seeing 'An Evening with Kevin Smith' on Saturday (he's known as 'Silent Bob' and the writer of such movies as Chasing Amy, Mallrats, Clerks etc.). So lots to look forward to!

Oh yeah... and anyone have any suggestions on a co-ed softball team name?

2009-02-01T13:55:00.002-05:00

I've been watching the scale the last couple days while I've been 'eating'. It was a little scary for the first few days when the scale just kept going up and up, but finally on Saturday morning it started to turn around. Today was thankfully no exception, despite having some chocolate and popcorn late last night. So from 217 to 218 to 218.4 and then back to 218 and then this morning to 217.4lbs. Slowly, but steadily (I'm hoping) from now on. Heck it even said 216.4 after my workout, but that's after sweating out a million pounds and only replacing 99% of it with fluids.

I've been consistent with my workouts which is great. I did take Thursday off as planned, although I think I could have managed a workout - my knee felt fine. Friday was fine - but freaking hot in the gym and then I went again this morning and again it was freakin' hot. I don't know why people don't turn on the fans in a gym that fails to use air conditioning! Because frankly, if there are more than 2 people working out in that place, it goes up 20 degrees (Celsius). So, despite crappy, overly sweaty workouts, I am continuing on (although, admittedly with less gusto than my previous workouts). If I'm too sweaty, I just overheat and can't push myself as much as I want to; each step takes so much effort (I'm speaking mostly of the treadmill adventures).

Food is alright, not great, not horrible, but I am constantly working on it. Trying to get some vegetables in, keeping the fat at a reasonable level and making sure I still eat protein. I'll get better at it with time.
Alright I have to get some school work done... :(

2009-01-28T22:13:00.002-05:00

Weigh-in: 217lbs... blah...

No comment on the weight. I think we all know what I am thinking. BUT, I am really loving this 'eating' thing. And prunes. I really enjoy prunes.

I made my first batch of soup ever today - turkey noodle. It's pretty good, not much to it frankly, but I am an idiot because I simmered for way to long and now it's less of a soup than a turkey noodle stew. Oh well, at least my idiocy doesn't really affect the taste much. Next time I'll know to keep a lid on the whole time and to turn down the heat (aka... not nap while it's cooking on high). I am also planning on making this snack food that has marshmallows, peanuts, apricots, almonds, bran cereals and possibly chocolate in it. I don't think it can be bad, but it sure does sound random. I'll let you know how that goes. I can't really fuck up melting marshmallows, right?

The gym today was just so-so. I don't usually go on Wednesdays, but it was the 'every other day' part of my schedule, which means circuit strength training. So no ifs, ands or buts, I was going to go. And really it was a perfect time, the gym wasn't that busy, there were lots of machines. I went on the elliptical for 30 minutes and planned on going on the treadmill for about a half an hour. I placed the fan all perfect-like, angled just so I would get a breeze but not a gail wind, and hopped on, but nothing felt right. My left knee was bothering me (like usual) and also my right calf felt like there was a mini-charlie horse in there. Everything was tight (and I swear I stretched beforehand!) and my running felt off. I figured I had been working a bit too hard the past few days and my muscles needed a break, so after 10 minutes walking awkwardly I just went straight to the circuit. I was disappointed in myself - I was giving up a perfect treadmill situation, but there is no point in kicking a dead horse. It wasn't feeling right, so that's that. I upped most of my weights today, which is great, but I am still trying to find where I max out on some of the machines. I'll probably figure that out next go-around.

I am thinking about taking a gym break tomorrow, although tomorrow is another perfect gym time as I would be going right after my lab at about 11am. Barely anyone is at the gym at that time (and therefore it's not hot like hell there). So I'll see how I feel. I don't want to give up on the opportunity, but with the muscle/knee problems today, it's probably best I stay away. I'll think about it. And Friday I'll be back on the circuit. no.matter.what.

2009-01-27T21:39:00.003-05:00

So I've decided I am going to eat more. If this is going to be a life change, a permanent change, then I want to be able to sustain it without as much effort as I have previously put in. In the past I would have avoided a food for weeks and then immediately binged on it when I had the chance. This is not the way to live a life - always doubling back and making up for mistakes. I want to have the ability to eat the things I want, eat delicious foods but the key being in small portions. Avoiding a food (i.e. chips) doesn't teach me how to eat it in moderation, that will only happen if I let myself eat it. I'm not giving myself a free run to eat whatever I want, whenever I want it, but if I have some calories left over - or a I sacrifice some other food - I am allowing myself to indulge in a piece of chocolate or whatever else tickles my fancy. I want to be able to eat a serving of something and be satisfied with it, unfortunately I never let myself stop at one serving.

And lately with my significant exercise, I feel like I should be eating more calories. Like I said yesterday, I want to eat more healthfully and simply... that will take more calories. I want to have a great metabolism and frankly I've been killing it over the past year. Here is my chance to turn it around. I am dedicated to exercising and I am hoping that with some extra dedication to food and getting all of my nutrients (macro and micro), I'll get my energy back and eventually the weight will come off too.

So I'll still be paying attention to the weight (that's why I'm here, right?), but I'm also really excited about trying new recipes and eating! eating real foods - yes with fat and carbs.
On that note... there is no way I am getting down to 210 by Saturday. I am still working towards that goal, let's see how long it does take me. I'll be weighing in tomorrow - I figure I'll post my weight every Wednesday morning because usually Monday and Tuesdays are my best days. I'm sad about not making my goal (really... I have never made a set goal), but I don't want to force myself to eat under 1200 calories to get there quickly (and frankly I would have to stop exercising too).

My workout tonight was alright. My leg muscles were really tight today, but I still managed just over an hour of cardio. I skipped the strength training because I am doing the whole circuit now (upper and lower body), so I should take a break in between. And really this just makes me go to the gym almost everyday. That ain't a bad thing...

And is it weird that I am craving prunes? Who on earth craves prunes? Besides 89 year old grandmothers, I mean...

2009-01-26T23:08:00.002-05:00

To be honest... exercise has been awesome, food... umm.. not so much.

I find it slightly ironic that the one week where I complain that I am not enough of a 23 year old (i.e. never go out) is the same week that becomes my busiest so far in 2009. Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday I did something that involved food (it wasn't the point of my outings, but food always ends up being part of it). Especially Saturday though. It was the night that I babysat my niece and nephew with my sister, but beforehand my sister's boyfriend made my whole family dinner. It was freakin' fantastic. Roast beef, roasted root vegetables (including heirloom carrots - I never knew these existed), garlic mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, gravy, green beans and... a baked brie in phyllo pastry. Oh. My. God. I don't even really like regular brie cheese, but when it's been baked in the buttery goodness of phyllo, oh man... so good. I haven't had that good of a meal in ages (Christmas) and naturally I stuffed myself full as if I would never see that sort of meal ever again.
Friday night a friend from class invited us all over to hang out and play boardgames but it eventually moved outside and over to my new favourite bar (after trying 4 different restaurants with 1hour+ waits). This place has the best fries (and dijon mayo dip) and various import beers which are fun to try out. I had a great time and will never regret eating those french fries. Ever.
On Sunday I finally saw Slumdog Millionaire with my sister (which is a great movie). I didn't get any popcorn, instead I opted for a yogen fruz non-fat cherry/mango frozen yogurt, but still had a couple handfuls from my sister's bag. After I got home though, I got really munchy and for some reason was craving bananas (ended up eating two) and hummus and crackers and lots of little things that I am sure made up completely for the popcorn that I avoided eating in the early afternoon. Oh well... live and learn.

Today wasn't horrible, but wasn't great either. I'm not sure what is up with the eating as it was completely on track early last week, but all I can do is start again. I've forgotten how to eat healthfully over the past year, how to make every calorie count. So that is something I want to work on. I want to get cinnamon and bran and cranberries (etc.) back in my diet - the things that are good for you (and mostly taste good). I want to find recipes and use my spices, but this will require some work and some dedication to a meal plan. Luckily I don't have any plans this week, so it should be the easiest time to do it.

And like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my exercise has been fantastic. I've been going steadily about four times a week and continued with interval training on the treadmill. The last two times I have been running at 6.5 miles/hour or higher during the intervals and it feels so good. I've even upped my regular speed (for when I do longer runs) to 5.5mph. This is more than 0.5mph over what I used to do, so I am proud of myself. I've even upped my treadmill workouts to 40 minutes, so 30 of that is dedicated to some basic running and intervals. Today I burned 500 calories on the treadmill in 40minutes (20minutes of running) and went over 3 miles. Frankly, that is amazing for me, I have never seen 500 calories burned on the treadmill before and from now on this will be a regular thing. I've also finally made myself a sheet to keep track of my weight training on the circuit. I will never gain strength if I never remember what weight I'm at (or done with), so this is the perfect way to keep track.

Anyways, I am off to find some delicious recipes. Here's to antioxidants and fibre!

2009-01-20T22:34:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's Tuesday already. The weeks sometimes just fly by and rarely do I have much to show for it.

This past weekend was great. I went to a bar where a band from my high school was playing. I had seen them about 4 years earlier and figured it would be a fun outing to see them play again. My friend and I had a great time laughing it up, having heart-to-hearts and being our ridiculous selves despite me having stuck to only one beer the whole night. Not quite sure why that was, I guess I was just having enough fun without the booze (a new occurrence for me - ha!). I ate tons though... tons and tons. My new fridge had come on Saturday afternoon and I didn't have time to go grocery shopping before she arrived, so we ended up just ordering pizza... and potato wedges... and that came with jos. louis. OH god... delicious! Really I don't regret it at all because it was good and had all my major food groups - cheese, fat, sweet and sour cream (for the wedges).
I also had to buy some white bread to make our breakfasts in the morning and realized that there is a reason I don't buy white bread anymore (i.e. I'll eat slice after slice... mostly for the novelty). I was still moderately sick in the nostrils for most of the weekend so I also didn't exercise. So... I'll just have to call this an 'off-plan weekend'. Done and done. The key is that I got right back to work Sunday night by grocery shopping and making Monday morning a new start to my South Beach phase 1 plan. It's just for the week and to make sure I make these next two weeks count.

I am not following South Beach to a T - I drink chocolate milk in the morning because a) I need my calcium and b) it's the only way I remember to take my multivitamins and also I have included baby carrots in this week's menu (only because I didn't think about it when buying it and I refuse to just let the bag go bad). I also have some serious challenges that I failed to consider when Monday came around... like a lunch outing tomorrow afternoon to celebrate a birthday (but I'll have a chicken/salad) and then a hockey game in the evening (might include some beer, but I will refrain from the snacky eating). Then on Thursday morning a couple of people from my class decided to head out for breakfast after our early morning lab (I'll eat the fruit and protein, but no bread or potatoes). At the end of it all the weekend then involves some sort of homemade meal concocted by my sister and that could result in anything (hopefully edible).

But I am back to exercising! So I am hoping that being on plan for 85% (80%? 75%?) will be enough to see a loss as I am killing in the exercise department lately. I continually do about an hour of cardio and do weights (either lower or upper body) each time I go to the gym. I tried some HIIT (of my own devising) where I would run at 6.5miles/hour for a minute and then walk for a minute. It was absolutely great the first few times and then the downpour of sweat arrived. My face got instantly red, my muscles burned and I was dying... but a good dying! The thing I have discovered I like about HIIT (my version anyway) is that the time on the treadmill passes so much quicker than just running all at once. I will definitely be doing it more often. I've also realized that my knee problems aren't magically solved with the weight training, but I am hoping this recent pain has to do with me avoiding the gym for three days and then going all out. Anyways, we'll see how it plays out.

This time on the South Beach hasn't been so bad. I remember last time I was dying of carb cravings but this time, besides a few urges, I have been just fine. I am thinking it has to do with being at home less this time. I am actually exercising and no longer need to spend full days at home studying for exams.

I keep getting this feeling that I am wasting 2009 and it's only the first month of the year. Wasting it socially, I mean. I feel like I should be out doing something with myself, but I have no idea what. There is the online dating scene again... I knew I would go back to it eventually, but I just don't quite feel ready yet to weather that storm - not emotionally and not physically (which are technically tied together in precarious balance). I will be there soon, but I need time. So what do normal 23 year olds do when they aren't in school? Man, I seriously can't wait until the spring where I can use softball as my proof that I am actually interesting. At least this week makes it look like I have a life outside of school... (I really don't).

2009-01-16T19:20:00.002-05:00

Alright...
So the weight this morning said 216lbs. Six pounds left to go. It won't be exactly easy to get off in two weeks (and one day), but I am going to try my darndest! That's three pounds each week and technically I'll accept my weight on January 31st anywhere in the 210s (i.e. 210.8), so really it's just over 5lbs in two weeks (and one day).

The suckiest part of all this is that I am actually sick now. I have been at a low level of sniffling for the past week, but last night the ol' sinuses decided to pour. I could exercise through the odd runny nose, but now.. ugh... now, I have used half a mega box of kleenex to the point of seeing blood (sorry!). It's so unbelievablely cold outside (-30 degrees Celsius) and that doesn't help the situation at all. I have an unending dry cough. All in all... I feel like shit. So, no exercise today. Believe me, I would actually be there if I could breathe.

So I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Tonight will be a tough night, as I feel ridiculously munchy and a friend is sleeping over because power to part of the city is out and without heat, she would die in this extreme cold. TGIF!

2009-01-15T18:40:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason, 95% of my friends are of the skinny variety. This is more a reflection of me than of them. I think I like to delude myself at times that I am just like them - confident, carefree and really not that fat. But we are infinitely different. There is not only the physical - which is obvious (even to me, most times) - but also the emotional. I wonder what it must feel like to have grown up without the memories of teasing and underhanded comments (even from family), without wishing everything was different, without questioning your existence and without all the tears - all due to your body. I know it's unfair of me to assume they've experienced little of this, but knowing my friends... most of these were never significant parts of their childhoods. And every time I'm with them, I feel just a little more different. They wear their clothes with ease and nonchalance; they take for granted the second glances from male strangers (most of the time, they don't even notice!); their boyfriends treat them like trophies... ahh to dream!

Last weekend at my friend's birthday, I truly realized that food is where we differ the most - I mean let's be honest, I didn't get fat by avoiding food.
I remember there was a homemade cake on the kitchen table and despite taking pictures of it and having it sit there out in the open... it remained untouched. It didn't even make a blip on their radar. I, on the other hand, could see it in my thoughts even when we weren't in the same room together! It looked delicious. As much as I really wanted it, there was no way I was going to eat without birthday girl breaking into it first. No one touched it until late the next morning, where people ended up just taking a couple bites of it. I had to stop myself from digging in and eating half of it! As it is, I still had a couple bites (and then a couple more covert bites). Something about her mindset (and apparently everyone else that night) prevented her from making the cake out to be this awe-inspiring, unquestionably delicious, must-be-eaten dessert like I did. And truthfully, there was nothing that special about it; it was a regular cake (with icing). Yes it tasted good, but many things taste good.

I love my friends, who are all strong, beautiful women. I don't begrudge them their traits, although I won't deny feeling envious of them much of the time. Simply, I'll have to use our differences as an aspiration and inspiration of how I want to be. I want to willingly pass on second-helpings and desserts and snacks that I really don't need. I want to pick out anything from my closet and just know that it will fit. I want to have the confidence as if I had lived a life without... well, with fewer... hardships (as I realize it's getting through the tough times that gives us confidence to get through life, but there is a limit).

Anyways, off to topics that don't make me want to kill myself.

I exercised. I ate well. I am slowly losing weight. I'll post my weight tomorrow and see how far I am from making my goal of 210lbs at the end of the month. I'll figure out a gift to myself if I make it (massage?).
And...
Days to new fridge: 2!

See you on the flipside...

2009-01-14T22:21:00.002-05:00

I'm back from my two days of not posting for no reason. I (surprisingly) haven't truly been off the wagon or anything.

Monday was an excellent day - I ate only one cheese string more than the calories I posted, and I exercised. On Tuesday I had an early morning exercise session (alright... by 'early morning' I mean 9am) and had a really good eating-day until the evening, when after a nap I simply wasn't hungry for the meal that I had planned to eat. So I waited and waited, and when I finally had hunger pangs I ate an unfortunate amount of many random things. It ended up being more fat and calories than I wanted - but ended up only being just over 1500 which is just fine anyhow.

Today was a much different story. I ate sparsely in the morning due to the anxiousness of the day - today I would learn where I have to go for my 8 months of clinical training (4 hour drive away? 2? 1? stay right here?). I didn't let it bother me too much (there was nothing I could do to change the outcome), but it also didn't make me want to eat. I am no good at suspense and drama, so I'll just get right to it... I get to stay right here! yay! I don't have to make my 6th move in 7 years! I'll be at a great hospital that isn't too far away from my school now and I don't have to worry about being all by myself in a new city without friends or any support system. I've already done that before thank you very much.
I was sure I was going to get sent to Windsor (the armpit of Ontario) and all my friends jokingly agreed that I would definitely going to be sent there and how somehow I would manage to get shot all the way from Detroit and how they would never visit me for fear of their lives, etc. etc. Hilarious and all... but it could have happened!
So needless to say, I was excited with the lifted weight off my shoulders. I wanted to celebrate... with food. I know, I know... two days of decent eating and exercise does not equal a cheat day, but I felt generous (to myself). At first McDonald's flashed through my mind. I was thinking of a reasonable cheeseburger, small fry and some ice cream. Heck maybe I would even take off half the bun! But then I thought of going to see a movie... hmm.. movie theatre popcorn, some chocolate. THAT was more what I wanted, so off to Benjamin Button I went. My plan was partially foiled by the unmelted butter poured over my popcorn. Blarg! Cold congealed butter is actually pretty disgusting. I picked at the bag, tried to find the dry pieces but ended up leaving more than 3 quarters of the bag... in the bag. I could have gone back to the concession stand and got a new bag, but the movie had started and I figured it was a sign. Well... not a bright enough sign because I still ate most of a bag of m&m peanuts. Meh, it's pretty good for me.

In the evening I headed to a Raptor's basketball game with my friend Steve from class. Yes, he's cute. No, it wasn't a date. No, I don't really have feelings for him. Okay... maybe tiny, baby feelings for him - but I don't allow them to flourish. It would do me no good.
I avoided the delicious (but ridiculously overpriced) food at the game and drank only a beer. So... not a great day but overall, I think I ate a reasonable amount of calories - although very little of it I am proud of. And no exercise today. But definitely tomorrow (I have nothing left to celebrate - thank god).

2009-01-12T09:06:00.002-05:00

I was out and about all weekend (or oot and aboot like we Canadians say it), such as shopping to return some bras I had bought prior to my bra fitting (another story), and then I purchased some shirts and some stud earrings for everyday use (boring, I know). And then in University town it was a friend's birthday. So we celebrated with tons of drinks and homemade food, but by the time we got to the bar, the lineup was huge and birthday girl wasn't feeling so great. So we spent a total of about an hour at a little pub and then headed back home. So it was a really tame night over all, which was perfect. I really didn't want to go out frankly. I had briefly considered not going at all, but I hate to cancel.

I headed to the gym that morning and ate sparingly on Saturday afternoon in preparation for all the food at the party. I am so glad I did. Although Sunday was actually worse food-wise than Saturday. There was tons of delicious breakfast foods and then dinner was at my dad's. My dad's cupboards are filled with chocolate and cookies! The bastard. Oh well... this morning I am back to my regular schedule.

I've just recently realized how important the weight training is for me (and many others too I am sure). For a long time I was a little bitter about the fact that I couldn't have one bad day without the scale going up 5lbs the next day (literally). It's ridiculously discouraging to see those kind of numbers and having to fight your way back down, but I didn't realize was that was likely happening because I didn't have any muscles metabolizing all that extra food. Eureka! I know it's a simple concept, but man, it eluded me this past year. I had stopped all weight training for months upon months and my weight would grossly fluctuate through that time (no bloody wonder). Another important part of the weight training is that I think it keeps my knee problems at bay. I really have a feeling that my IBS (iliotibial band syndrome - self diagnosed through the interweb thank you very much) was caused by a) not stretching enough before running (my bad) and b) my underdeveloped hamstrings and gluts... because right now the knee is feeling pretty damn good and that's only after a week of using weights. And then there is always the aesthetics of it all. My legs feel smoother and stronger, I can feel the twinges of soreness in my arms and shoulders that I know will soon be new muscle. Feels so good! Why on earth did I stop? (laziness)

So I am off to make some breakfast before I head to class, so here are the numbers (approx. for today):
Calories: 1289
Fat: 26g
Carbs: 190g
Fibre: 28g
Protein: 87g

Not too shabby... Oh yeah.. and I get my NEW fridge on Saturday sometime between 12 and 6pm - yay!

2009-01-09T17:06:00.003-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat. Sucky. I haven't had a sore throat in years! I had thought I had one of those super immune systems... or I just figured that my fat just ate all the invaders, rarely letting my immune cells to even get at 'em. Damn. So what is this fat for anyway?

It got better as the day went on, but man, I would have loved to avoid my early morning (mandatory) lab and just stay in bed all day. At least I had a wonderful 5 hour nap (yes... 5 hours) in the afternoon. I've become such a baby. I think all the recent napping has fucked with my circadian rhythm. Not only do I start my naps in the daylight and then wake in the darkness, but the extra sleep just makes it that much more difficult to get to sleep when the time comes. So my goal is just to get my normal sleep (at least 8 hours), whenever possible and fewer naps!

As for the rest of yesterday, eating was fine... until the evening when I realized I had yet to make the chili. And something about just standing in the kitchen, I don't know, I just was drawn to the the cheese and then the crackers. And then veggies and dip, and then some pieces of chocolate, pieces of sliced ham. Not good. I would have been within calories had I not touched any of it, so obviously it took me far over my limit. I was ashamed of myself.

I vowed to start over today, and that's exactly what I did. I planned out all of my meals before I put one morsel of food in my mouth. This is the way I am successful on this journey and I need to remember it and then do it! I also went to the gym today figuring that I had already used up two days of 'not wanting to exacerbate my illness' - but frankly, I was feeling almost normal this morning (maybe I do have an awesome immune system after all). I wore my gym clothes to class to constantly remind myself that there was no getting out of it. At the gym I managed to run a total of 15 minutes (divided in two spurts), walk another 15 and added 18minutes of stairmastering. I then killed myself on the weight machines. Felt so good!

So here's to a new (new) start. And I'm off to go shop me a fridge...

Oh yes, and before I go... I am going to try to write down nutrient breakdown of each day for a little more accountability.
Today:
Calories: 1223
Fat: 23g
Carbs: 171g
Fibre: 28g
Protein: 113g

2009-01-07T19:51:00.002-05:00

After waking up this morning feeling like ass (head cold coming on?) and debating whether or not to brave the blizzard outside and head to my third day of class, I remembered I had a couple meetings today which I really shouldn't miss. And a friend of mine called me saying he couldn't make it to school in the weather so asked if I could pick up his notes. So obligations, obligations.
One of my meetings was for the Honorary Diploma Committee that I've been on for a year but have yet to do anything for (classes would always get in the way). So this meeting essentially involved existing members staring at me wondering why this student was infiltrating their meeting... until I introduced myself, not that it warmed them to me - Ahh.. I'll get over it. Over it. My contribution to the group included me nodding emphatically at various intervals and eventually seconding a motion. What would they do without me? Needless to say I can't wait for the next meeting! Not.

Today, as always, I get my motivation to eat well after I've finished all my calories for the day (and gone a little over, to be honest). I obviously wish this was different, but motivation is motivation as long as it lasts me through the night. Right? I even have the slightest urge to do some lunges and squats and maybe throw in some knee-push-ups to replace the fact that I am not heading to the gym tonight.

Heck, I even cleaned up my kitchen from New Year's (yes, I realize it's been a week... but I've been busy!) and even cleaned out my refrigerator (old ricotta is really really disgusting by the way - and it wasn't even expired yet!). And I am a little excited because my refrigerator is going the way of the dodo bird soon as it barely freezes anything anymore. I know this is rarely a thing to be excited about, but I have a significant gift certificate for Futureshop and a new CLEAN fridge would be awesome! I got my new place with all the appliances included and the fridge was pretty disgusting, so I can't wait to start anew! And only healthy things are allowed in the new fridge... whenever I decide to get it. Where does one get rid of a fridge though? Frankly, I wish I could just pitch it over the balcony - the dumpster's somewhere down there...

2009-01-06T18:56:00.002-05:00

Well, my napping most of the day yesterday made me sick of myself by 6:30, so I actually got off my groggy ass and went to the gym. Huge step for me as this was willingly. I managed to ellipticize for 35 minutes and then walked for another 25 (including 5 minutes of running) and then I actually did weightlifting. Whoo hoo.
And then... I went to the gym again this morning! Wow... twice in two days is some kind of record! (for someone...) Food hasn't been perfect, but I'm hoping it will fix itself right up (with some intense diligence, work and willpower on my part).

So as for 2009...
Some big things/goals coming up this year:
- Seeing 199lbs! (Not even an option. This will be done.) I am thinking of making 210 my goal for the end of January and 205 for the end of February. And then everything under there is new ground... hopefully by end of March I'll see 200 and by end of April I'll see 199. Not kidding though, I bet I'll have to get over my own sabotage and comfort to see the one pound difference. God, I can't wait!

- playing softball again! Getting active in a non-gym way is so much more enjoyable most times. It's not exactly the most athletic sport, but my one ass-cheek gets quite the workout from all the pitching and heck I'll take one muscular cheek over two fatty ones...

- joining a bowling league. Possibly kinda lame, but I not-so-secretly love bowling. I tried to find an open mixed adult league last semester, but there were none to be had until this spring. So around May or so I plan to spend a night a week hopefully meeting new people and honing my skill. I even had a friend express interest in joining too, so that would be great, but not necessary.

- I'll be starting my final 8 months of clinical training in September. I have no idea where I'll be... Ottawa, Toronto, Windsor, Kitchener, so not only may I have to move to another city, but I'll be finally doing what I've been learning about for so long. And then job-time.. ekk... (but that is a post for 2010). Scary and exciting all at the same time.

- I will run 5k (in a row)! I have been able to run about half that previously, so with 12 months to train, I should be able to somehow do twice that.

- Meet the man of my dreams! Okay, not really. I'll settle for some decent guys on some decent dates with perhaps some decent kissing. Not too much to ask, eh? I'll probably do the whole online dating thing again when I eventually forget how frustrating it is.

I know it's not really comprehensive or exciting, but I can't think of anything else at the moment. I won't be doing anything big like having a wedding, or having any babies, I don't even know if I can travel because I'll be in school straight through the summer. So school is my sun and the rest of my life will have to rotate around it. Really, the main point is that I'll be skinnier. :)

2009-01-05T16:09:00.002-05:00

For two years in a row, the night of January 3rd/4th (my friend's birthday) has involved events that are the most significant events in my otherwise normal and boring life. Last year's event I won't repeat here. This year's event was one where I had to say no to a guy I really like, who I am attracted to and who I like talking to... because he is my friend's boyfriend. I don't want to get into the nitty gritty of it, but I am angry about it. Angry that I was put in a position that I would have loved to be in had this guy been single, angry that he thought I was potentially the girl who would say yes to such a proposition and angry that this will likely be the only guy who shows overt interest in me this year as kind of a cruel joke from fate (i.e. be careful what you wish for... you might just get it). I can't even tell her about it, because a) they have a crappy relationship where I think both have cheated on each other and both know about it and b) it would just fall back on me and likely change nothing between the two of them. It sucks. I am entirely not emotionally equipped for such attentions, I never thought I would ever be in this situation. What really sucks is that I like (liked?) him and almost never do I have the opportunity to be with (in any sense) a guy who I actually like. Damn men...

So I haven't done a lot of anything the last two days. Just contemplation, playing the what-if game and thanking god that I didn't do anything out of character here. I think all the emotions (and the ridiculously late night) have completely exhausted me. I've been sleeping lots, but on the flipside it means I haven't been eating too much.
I feel a cold coming on and as soon as that feeling passes, I'm heading to the gym. My classes this semester are scheduled so I can easily go in the mornings or afternoons - the trick is for me to just get there.

Anyways, I still have an all important 'goals/milestones for 2009' to go over, which I will do as soon as the mood strikes. I hope everyone had an easier weekend than I did...

A Review of 2008

2009-01-03T00:45:00.003-05:00

Everyone is doing some soul-searching and reviewing and I finally felt like I should to. So here is my review of the past year...

So I noted that there were 162 posts in 2007. Only 103 posts in 2008. Those 59 extra posts really made the difference between losing weight and gaining it this year. When I am not blogging it can be assured that I am gaining weight and this year I spent more time not blogging than blogging. I don't want 2009 to go the same way.

I started the year at 219.8lbs and am likely at a similar weight right now. That's disappointing to see in black and white that I have wasted an entire year. I can't believe that I saw 205 and didn't somehow force myself down to the 100s. That will not happen again this year. It's not even an option.

In 2008, I had a really significant year - probably the most significant yet so far. Here are the highlights:

I started off the year by moving into a condo which I overall disliked with it's white walls and plain layout. But over the months I managed to make it my own. I painted all the walls (mostly myself... a feat considering the 11ft ceilings), slowly organized it and eventually put up pictures and paintings so now it has more of me in it. It's almost a home.

I started the year with a school semester dedicated to making my life a living hell. I still get a little anxious thinking back to all the stressful hell I went through trying to make sure I didn't fail out (something I have never done in my 18+ years of schooling). I got through, albeit with a huge chip on my shoulder against my school. Whereas I began the year with high hopes of getting involved with extracurricular events, by April I never wanted to see the school, or many of my horrible, unqualified teachers ever again. Alas, September did arrive eventually, in which I kicked school's ass. Take that academia!

I was braver with the opposite sex. I did things this year uncharacteristic to my old self, including dating much more than I ever have and other things I will not delve into (haha). I am really proud of myself for getting over my self-consciousness and just jumping in. I had some really bad makeout experiences and many mediocre dates but I survived (mostly) unscathed and with some really awkward experiences that I can amuse my friends with (isn't that really the only point of dating anyway?). I still am not quite sure what I want in this department, but I feel like I'm closer to knowing it when I find it.

I ran 20 minutes straight in the later part of the year. This is pretty significant considering I started out the year running about 6 minutes in a row. I don't think I can do 20 minutes right now, but knowing I can is going to help me get back to that soon. I also often went on wonderful walk/jogs during the summer, sometimes up to 8km long. Man, I'm sick of winter already. But on the other hand, I barely touched weights. For some reason I just never got up the motivation to weight train and I feel the loss of tone and muscle mass everywhere. This has to change.

I have managed to keep off most of my 2007 weight loss. I can thankfully say I never saw (and never again will see) the 230s, 40s, 50s, 60s. It took a long while, with many ups and downs to get this far and I'd like to make 2009 a continuation of the weight loss. I'll think of 2008 as merely a temporary weigh station (no pun intended) on the journey. And I saw my lowest weight ever of 205lbs on February 14th, 2008, never again to be seen.

I joined a slo-pitch softball team with no prior knowledge of softball or really of organized sports as a whole. I was nervous starting out and was so unsure of my abilities that I often kept myself as the backcatcher. Needless to say, backcatching did not sprout my love for softball, nor did it really excite me to participate at all. Half our team was made up of a group of established friends which made it all that much more difficult. Fast-forward to a fateful day where our regular (crappy) pitcher didn't make it and our team captain asked if I wanted to try it out considering my background in bowling (not kidding). I did and although I wasn't very good the first few times, I eventually got my groove, found my sacred ritual before each throw and fucking kicked ass. My throws were apparently tricky and a little 'dirty' - as I would often hit a corner of the plate making the throw a strike - and it earned me the classy nickname 'Dirty Bri' or 'DB' for short. We became a pretty close team and eventually started winning games. We even gave every team a run for their money in the final tournament and it just whetted my appetite for the championship title. Players from other teams asked if they could join our team next season. Can't get any better than that.

In the summer, I completed two months of clinical training. I was extremely nervous because this is something I will be doing for my future career, whether or not I want to (I don't quit school no matter what). Although I started out not-so-surefooted, I ended with some great moments from a teacher who I will always remember as sparking an enthusiasm for the job, a couple really good injections, and a memory of a woman who hugged me after her appointment and told me that I was perfect for the job. My final review cemented it all for me - I was going to be fine.

I spent much of 2008 lonely. I don't like admitting it because I manage to rely on myself 99% of the time. I am independent and strong, but this past year (mostly the latter half) I felt like my friends often let me down. My best friends were off across the province, the country and even the world, which means they weren't with me. I felt forgotten. And my class wasn't as enthusiastic to have get-togethers anymore, so I often stayed at home. I need my space and my alone-time, but I am also a social creature who needs attention. At school I would have that, but then at home I would be sitting in silence (figurative silence) - making each day kind of a bipolar one. I need to avoid that this year. I need to make new friends. Period.

Alright, I'll end it there. It was a big year, but I know 2009 will be bigger (for reasons I'll elucidate in the next post). Goodnight!

2009-01-02T01:13:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!

I am excited for the new start (on Monday). There are so many things I want to do this year including seeing the one hundreds on the weight scale, playing my second season of softball, growing my hair long, and last but not least, forcing myself to go on a third date with a guy before counting him out (I'm really bad for this).

The past week and a half has been food-infested, I won't lie. It's been bad. I've had a friend from middle school over for a night and then my old roommate came down on Tuesday and won't be leaving until tomorrow, which means a lot of eating out and some moderate amount of drinking. I feel like ass, but I am having fun with the girls.

New Year's was a nice night indoors with food, drink and board games. I am so glad we didn't decide to attempt wading through the snow and ridiculously cold wind. Quiet nights are always more satisfying then all the drama and disappointment of going out.

I just wanted to quickly catch up, let you know that I have yet to fall (completely) into the abyss of unhealthy eating, and will be back tomorrow with regular posts once my old roomie heads home. Au revoir! I hope you had a wonderful New Year's Eve.

2008-12-26T10:33:00.002-05:00

Yay!

I'm so glad Christmas is over. I'm not a Grinch or anything, but Christmas in my family is a bloated (literally), complicated, awkward event, which makes me infinitely glad that it occurs just once a year. I love the food and the presents and knowing that I got someone the right gift, but I despise opening the gifts in front of everyone - I am constantly afraid that my face will give away my emotions (if I'm not so excited). This year was especially complicated as I had to drive to my Mom's to open gifts with my niece and nephew for early morning, then drive to my dad's for brunch and to open gifts with him and then drive back to my mom's for dinner. Dinner was wonderful, but I was so full from eating Lindt Chocolate and desserts that both I and my sister-in-law baked that I could only have one plate-full. I ate way too much and I was absolutely exhausted by the end of the day. It wasn't nearly as bad as it seemed; I got to play all day with my niece who I don't often get to see.

So as for the weightloss... nonexistant the past couple days. Even my plans for my baking day earlier this week completely went off the deep end. I had used new recipes to bake with and I ended up tasting some to see if they turned out. Alas, they didn't. One recipe was ridiculously dry and my macaroons were thick and overcooked. Ah shit. Usually I am a good baker, but this year things just weren't going right. My banana pudding squares seemed to work out and to replace the super dry cookies, I just made some chocolate chips ones instead. I won't lie and say I didn't eat any of them, because I did, BUT I left all the leftovers at my mom's and at my dad's. So at least I don't have to contend with them all by myself. I did take some of my dad's classic streudel home and I do have some chips that will have to be eaten in moderation, but at least I have a chance to get things back on track quickly. I felt like such ass yesterday, that all I really wanted was to be back where I was four days ago (weight and body-wise). I think I'll nap, read, shower and change, and this evening I'll make myself get to the gym.

I got some new super awesome Bose earphones to try out anyways. But I seriously have to find some new music, I've been listening to the same songs for the past 3 years now. So any recommendations? Something upbeat - rock, alt-rock, dancey, pop... whatever keeps the mood up... I'll take anything at this point.

Tomorrow will be a weigh-in day once again.

How did everyone's Christmas go?

2008-12-23T09:12:00.003-05:00

Update: 215.4lbs (just a minor hiccup)

I had a great day on Sunday, where my eating was pretty good (although not the small meals that I had originally planned for), finally found myself at the gym and I even got out of the house for some fun.

I couldn't believe how hard the exercise was. Man, just two months ago I could almost run 20minutes straight and now I feel like one minute would keel me over heart attack-style. I went on the elliptical for 25 minutes, the first 10 I gave it my all, but my heart was beating ridiculously fast making me think that if I wanted to continue to live I should probably slow it down. So I figured that I should probably ease myself back into this whole 'exercise' thing. I then headed over to the treadmill where I just walked for 30 minutes - a little fast and a little inclined at times. I am hoping it gets easier quickly, because walking I find ridiculously boring and my legs are itching to run to the music (although note to self: get new music).

Despite some snow flurries during the day potentially derailing my plans to hang out with my friend in the suburbs, it cleared up by the evening. We headed out to a pub, which was sadly karaoke night (if there were dogs present, they would have been a'howling). But it was nice to sit back and relax, drink a pint and just chat. I felt good, relatively skinny (for me), my hair looked good (I am a girly-girl and these things are important to a girly-girl!). And we somehow avoided getting any food there, or at any time while driving home (Taco Bell was on my mind some), so my willpower remained intact. Well... until my friend brought out some leftover cheesecake she had ordered at a restaurant the day before. I was actually hungry at the time and I only had a couple of bites. All-in-all, I am happy with how things turned out. I mean, this is technically the friend I got fat with when I was 16, back from my trip to France and all thinner, but ready to go out and have fun. Movies and dinners out were a five times a week kinda thing. I could never say no to her because I wanted to be out and not sitting at home like no other 16 year old I knew. We had fun and I'll have lots of good memories from that time, but I have finally found a way to ignore some of her nudges.

Monday I left my friend's house pretty early to go see my mom. We went shopping, had some lunch at the food court (had only a little rice, vegetables and Bourbon chicken pieces) and I left her at some point to get back home before rush hour. I try not to spend too much time with my mother lest I attempt to kill her. She is a very trying person and if she wasn't my mother, I would have cut her from my life long ago. I refuse to keep people around with significant drama-causing issues and she would be one of them. But alas, I make the requisite trek over there once in a blue moon, do my daughterly duty and count the weeks before the next visit (well, in this case, three days, for Christmas).

My good friend from class had messaged me on Sunday about doing something Monday night and I was all ears. As we all know, I have been complaining a little about the loneliness (only a problem when I'm bored as fuck), so I was going to jump on this chance to hang out with her. We have lots of fun in class and really never stop laughing whenever we are together - who would say no to that? We went to dinner at the Pickle Barrel, where I ate a delicious over-filled pastrami-on-rye and really ate only part of the fries on the plate. I did drink a very delicious pina colada, but to make up for it, I didn't have dessert. Really, the horrible eating came out at the movie theatre where we went to go see Role Models. I ate salty, delicious popcorn with butter and I could feel it pasted to my midsection immediately after eating it. It had been a long time since I had eaten some, so I don't particularly regret it. I know today has to be on track.

So it's going to be a very busy day today... Plan of attack:
- I have to bake a crapload of delicious things, and I am planning on NOT eating any of the dough, and certainly not tasting any of it until they are all made and then I will choose one. I have decided to make macaroons, chocolate-dipped cookies, maybe regular chocolate chip cookies and banana pudding squares.
- I have to buy my dad part of his present. I have looked in two different stores, neither of which had them, so I might have to go all over the city and there is no time!
- Gym? likely an evening thing
- Wrap presents for my niece and nephew
-Write Christmas cards to my friends (haha... at least they'll expect them to be late from me - my friend in China likely won't get hers until March anyway)
- Eat healthily
And then also bathe myself, get dressed, etc. Phew... vacation my ass. Have a good one!

2008-12-21T10:24:00.002-05:00

Update: 213.4lbs

Well, now this is just the weight loss fairy testing my resolve to lose weight. And I really don't appreciate it. In terms of food, I don't deserve the increase, but in terms of salt, I do. So today, I am going back with my breakfast foods of the South Beach program (i.e. I actually eat vegetables at breakfast) and I am going to attempt to eat many small meals today. I finally bought some fresh fruit to nosh on, so I don't have to strictly rely on slices of cold meat and cheese strings (some of the source of sodium).

It's been odd, but the last week or so, well, since being off the South Beach, I haven't had a real, true craving and truthfully, most of the time I barely feel like eating. I do eat, because I don't want my metabolism going shit-crazy, but that 'want' to eat is gone. I assume this is temporary, something that will pop back up once I've had a big, rich meal (i.e. Christmas!), but it's helping to keep me on track right now because I am still home alone all day. And if I had to fight off boredom, loneliness and severe hunger cravings, I might as well buy myself a muumuu and a pointing stick right now. There would be no hope.

So, I am currently sitting in my gym clothes, determined to get past the 213's, but trying to find that resolve to actually get me off my ass. It's cold outside and I haven't exercised in a week and a half (and that was just that one time). But I need to return some movies to the library anyways, and I have to start somewhere. Heck, I even bought (more) new tank tops and a shirt to wear at the gym (I am addicted to that store!), so there is nothing left stopping me.

And one last thing before I head off... yesterday afternoon I tested my blood pressure and it went down to as low as 95/73!! I have never in my entire life seen anything like that. I had to look up 'low blood pressure' because I honestly never before had the necessity to find out what range it falls under. It's fine and I shouldn't worry unless I start feeling faint, but I guess that tells me something is going alright.

Happy Sunday!

2008-12-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

Update: 213.2lbs

The weight loss is probably getting to that point where I'll just be losing fractions of a pound from now on. When I get annoyed with this I'll start up the cardio again and the weight training, which I am sure won't be too long from now.

I would absolutely love to get back down to 205 by the time school starts back up again. Not quite sure if that's possible, but it's just a dream I'll secretly hold on to.

So I went to the doctor yesterday for a follow-up. She was going to change the birth control if I still had high blood pressure - it was 140/98 last time I was there, which is officially hypertension. She had told me to just watch my sodium and get some exercise (I told her I could usually control it with some physical activity) and she'd see how I was in a couple months. So when I went in yesterday I was absolutely certain it would be high. Not only was I not exercising, but up until a week and a half ago I was steadily gaining weight, which means I definitely wasn't even paying attention to sodium intake let alone calories. And then to top it all off, my exams only ended the day before and the blizzard just made my blood boil; snow was constantly blowing right into my eyes, people were walking so slow, blocking entire sidewalks to avoid getting snow on their shoes, the subway was packed, not exactly pleasant. So on the first one, I try to calm myself down, breathe steadily and deeply as to not exacerbate the number. She comes up with 120/80. I actually laugh and say 'no way'. I was so perplexed that I asked her if she wanted to do it on the other arm too. It went up a bit to 120/90, but I was partly holding my arm up for her. Huh... so we didn't need to change my birth control after all. Nice.

I got some bad news about having some abnormal cells from my pap smear, but I am not going to worry about that until the diagnosis is clear. And from what I read, it's usually nothing serious. So we'll see on that one.

But once again, I really like my doctor, she never mentioned once to lose weight to me, just to 'watch the salt and get some exercise'. I love it. It's only me who ever mentions losing or gaining weight. It's refreshing.

Alright, I have to go eat something... enjoy your Saturday!

2008-12-19T11:04:00.002-05:00

Update: 213.4lbs

So that's a full 10lbs down in a week and a half. I am happy about that, but it's always bittersweet knowing that I've been down to this number various times throughout the year and was unable to maintain it. I will get down to 205 this time and I will see 199lbs, but there is always that question of 'when'. It's gotten to the point where I am always looking forward to that next day, wishing the one I am currently living would end so I could see tomorrow's number. I don't want to constantly be missing all the joy in my days because I feel like I can't truly experience it until I am once again thinner. I mean, it's not like I am just going to automatically be happier once more of the weight is gone, well I'll be happier with my weight, but I'll still have the same life I live now.

Anyways... I am off to enjoy my first day away from thinking about school partly at the doctor's office! Yay... not. It's a freakin' blizzard out there! I'd rather slip myself into a bath and read all day. Oh well.. maybe tomorrow.

2008-12-18T17:34:00.002-05:00

What a week! Actually make that two weeks. This is has been a long and super stressful study time. I actually spent most of it studying, especially the past four days. I have only had 7 hours of sleep total in the last two nights. My brain is literally fried. Constructing coherent sentences (let alone typing this) is ridiculously difficult. I have been staring at pink pages of study notes forever and I am finally freaking done! The last one was so hard. I started studying for it last week (impressive for me) and there was no way that was even enough. Oh well... that last is always the hardest to get motivated for. And I was long gone (brain-wise) way before that. Overall, this year's marks are fine, so I'm not worried. It's over and now it's finally Christmas time.

So as for the weight thing. It's actually really fine. I have avoided snacking completely while studying (amazing!) and even technically haven't really eaten enough on some days, but that is just due to stress and having no time and also being out of the house for the last 4 days from 7:30am until 8:30pm or later. I am going to try to get right back to cooking my meals like last week as to not get into a habit otherwise. I have been exerting pretty super self-control (well... technically without effort) lately. I'd go and get a low fat iced cappuccino and ask myself if I wanted anything else, staring at all the cookies, doughnuts, timbits, muffins etc. and I just didn't feel like it. I haven't been perfect, but I've eaten things in moderation. I also walked by the local convenience store and asked myself again if I wanted anything to snack on to help me stay awake while studying, and again, I didn't. I mean I love to eat that stuff, but I didn't want to. It might have been a little fear mixed in there, telling me not to do it just in case all the weight just came back on. I really don't want to find myself in another 8+month cycle of eating poorly. I don't want to deprive myself, but I also really like being thinner.

So... before I pass out for 24 hours...
Update: 214lbs (this morning, earlier than I usually would) and it was 215.6lbs this evening after I had a beer and a couple french fries while celebrating being done with my friends. Can't wait to see what it says tomorrow! Total of 9.4lbs lost in a week and 3 days. I really want to see 205lbs again, I can almost taste it - and my size 14 jeans are almost fitting again.

2008-12-15T22:12:00.002-05:00

Yesterday: 217.4lbs (so up a little) and today was 216.4lbs then it went immediately back up to 217.4lbs... So who knows...

I don't really know why the weight stayed the same yesterday and wasn't officially down today; I actually did pretty well. I may have had too many nuts, but not in terms of calories. I only had 3 sugar-free toffees (an improvement from like 6) and snacked on vegetables. Anyways, these things happen, I can't help it now.

I've been studying quite steadily the past few days, and I will have to continue to study my ass off until Thursday afternoon. I had one today, and have one tomorrow, one Wednesday and Thursday. God, I hope I am able to sleep a couple hours at some point. I've been out of the house all day today and I planned really well by bringing along hard-boiled eggs, some ham slices, cheese strings, nuts and a huge ziploc bag of vegetables. BUT, I had a slip-up. Some people were having a small party in the hall where I was studying with some friends. After the party ends, a girl comes up to us and says that they have leftovers and we are very welcome to them like subs, cookies etc. So for whatever reason (the fact that it's free?), I went over there and there were cookies, subs and CINNABONS. Oh my god, I left my willpower behind and cut out a cinnabon (they weren't the large ones... more medium). I licked off a little frosting, took a bite and immediately felt the guilt and the apprehension. I held it in my hand while we were studying and only took one more tiny bite and a little more frosting and dumped it in the garbage. Now, for me, that's a HUGE accomplishment. I held it in my hand and managed not to inhale it all in one bite - mega big golden stars for me. So, I slipped, but I consider it a small slip and at the end of the full week. I made up for it by not slipping in any other way.

Tomorrow there will be weightloss! (and carbs... yay!)

2008-12-13T19:29:00.003-05:00

Update: 217.2lbs

Something about this diet makes my insides freak out. I am taking way too many trips to the bathroom; I mean if it's not gas, it's other stuff... other stuff we shall not speak of. I've been thinking constantly of ways to get out of this diet early and I think I have decided to cut it down to a week. Still no unhealthy stuff after that, but I want some fruit back and my chocolate milk. And I want to stop eating these damn sugar-free candies. I was really realizing that as much as this diet purports being about healthy eating, it's just like any other. I've been calorie counting while on it, and generally I eat around 1200-1300 Calories a day. So, of course I'm losing weight on it, anyone would lose weight with 1200 Calories, no matter what they were eating. It's really all just for the direction and motivation. I'm enjoying the weight loss, but because of all the aspartame and other fake sugars, I don't even feel the weight coming off. Fuck, maybe I'm just lighter because all the gas, like a big hot air balloon in my gut.

I am eating much better lately, tons of vegetables, shitloads of protein, but also lots of salt, cholesterol and much more fat than what I usually eat (well... when I'm eating healthy). I'll see how it goes, either way I still have three more days on it. Maybe I won't start introducing the carbs until after my exams (to ensure that I don't go hogwild), so that would be a week and two days. I don't know. I don't know what to do here. I don't want to give up and gain weight, but I also don't want to feel like I am completely depriving myself and then just go all out after the two weeks are over. Gosh, dieting is hard (when you aren't 100% motivated). I should really wear my tight pants all day to remind me why I am doing this.

2008-12-12T17:40:00.002-05:00

Update: 218.6lbs (it varied from 217.8lbs to 218.6 to 219lbs... so I just took the one that I felt was most accurate)

I had a snack-y day yesterday. Now, I didn't cheat by eating carbs (despite the fact that I have english muffins and a loaf of bread in the freezer), but I did eat too many pistachios and a little too much jello. With being in the house all day, studying and being visited by 'Aunt Flo', I am impressed I even made it through the day without eating everything in sight, let alone a carb. Overall, I don't think I went over calories (my own limit, not associated with South Beach), but in the morning I felt a little bloated. I am not sure if it had to do with the extra fat or the fake sugar, but I definitely didn't feel like eating when I got up. So, I didn't. I finished typing up some study notes and had my omelette (delicious with mozzarella, mushrooms and asparagus) for lunch.

And so far it's been an okay day today. Every once in a while a bag of chips will float along in my mind, but for the most part I ignore it, or eat some plain yogurt with some cocoa, fake sugar and vanilla extract (all legal!) or jello. When I am standing in the kitchen I fear that I am just going to grab for something that's not on the list and just fuck up all the (decent) work I've done so far. I refuse to throw out all of the carbs in the house - I really only have all-bran bars, some cereals, chocolate milk, popcorn and all the bread to contend with. I already spent a ridiculous fortune buying tons of food (vegetables and meat) for this endeaver, so there is no way I am throwing out food that I will be eating again soon enough. I also keep thinking that I am stupid to be doing this now, as studying-time is the only real time to justify eating poorly. I have these thoughts that I could just eat the bad foods now and hitch back on the South Beach train after exams.. but then that leaves Christmas. (No way am I dieting for Christmas) Oh and then New Year's Eve. This really is the only time. I have to start this now so I can hopefully temper myself and my cravings for the rest of the holidays. And hopefully end the vacation with less weight than with which I started. Here's to hoping.

I hate sitting in my house all day. And note that my study area is right next to the kitchen and I have yet to resist... god help me.

2008-12-11T09:32:00.002-05:00

Update: 218.4lbs

So a nice 5lb loss in two days. All water weight mind you... I've been peeing every hour or so. But nonetheless, it's water I apparently didn't need, so let it all out. I don't want it continuing to bloat me and prevent me from zipping up all my jeans, dammit. And I do feel thinner after two days. Like I can actually attempt to suck in my stomach now, before the bloat of really delicious carbs and fats didn't really allow for that.
However, yesterday was a super gassy kind of day. Not sure what did it, whether it was the vegetables finally catching up to my system, or (more likely) the sugar-free candies with their fakes sugars and chemicals all screwing up the digestive balance in there. Thank god I was at home, laying on my couch, otherwise it would have been very uncomfortable to hold in that kind of power... I could actually feel the air squiggling through the digestive tract. Man, oh man...

Frankly, this diet makes time........ stop. I actually can't believe that it's only been two days. I know it takes time to lose weight, but frankly this is ridiculous. And it may have something to do with the fact I have to study at the same time and eating can really no longer be my procrastination tool. Also, all I really want to eat are my damn yogurt and berries for breakfast, is that too much to ask? It's pretty much the first thing I'll eat once I'm out of this stage. Seriously.

Anyways, off to eat some non-carb food. Over and out.

2008-12-10T17:46:00.002-05:00

Update: 220.4lbs

So I got through the first day alright. I craved and whined and thought about all the wonderful foods I would be eating if I wasn't on this damn diet. Haha... oh god... and that's just day one.
So day two started out with immense hunger, to which I made a massive omelette with low fat cheese, some ham, onions, peppers, mushrooms and stuffed my face. Even while I was eating, my stomach continued to growl. It was a ridiculous feeling, I mean, jeez, I was feeding the damn monster - it should be satiated! But no... it knew there were no carbohydrates in there (no good ones anyway). So I've spent most of the day switching between nervousness for the exam I had today, and hunger. So in other words... this is hard. But then again, to a certain degree the hunger feels good. It's been a long time since I've felt it. The lack of feeling was always my cue to eat, so no wonder I put on weight. I ended up buying some sugar-free candies to help take the edge off, and I am trying hard not to eat the whole bag. We'll see if the cravings stop soon... Man, I must have done some real damage to feel this way now. The weight loss is nice though.

2008-12-09T21:27:00.002-05:00

Just a note that I really want to eat. Anything, something, but what would really be delicious would be some chips... and chocolate bars and swedish berries.

I only slipped up once, and it was just because I didn't realize it wasn't an 'allowed' food - my morning yogurt. It was fat free, but technically had the tiniest bit of fruit in it. I don't really regret it because I didn't have anything else acceptable to eat in the morning and I was dying of hunger. The rest of the day went peachy. I even cooked dinner from scratch! Whooee... (almost) one day down.

I would also like to stop studying right now (not that I have done that much today).

2008-12-09T09:12:00.003-05:00

Update: 223.4lbs

I knew it would be pretty bad, I somehow managed not to fool myself about that. In fact, one night last week I was laying in bed, mind just racing about everything and I had this minor epiphany that if I didn't stop eating (honestly, it's become a problem) that I would be back at 260lbs again. I flat out refuse to let that happen again. So at 1am I got my ass out of bed and threw out chocolate shortbread cookies after pouring water in the package (I don't even love them, but that rarely stops me from eating these things) and threw out the rest of the chocolate cover-peanuts that I had been munching on during the day (those I love). I freaked out. But I knew that if those things were still there in the morning, the vision of me back at 260 was not going to be clear enough to stop me from eating it all. Me and food are really just not friends right now. I overindulge on *everything*. And because I stay up late, I end up eating all hours of the night and have only recently begun slipping breakfasts back in (I took them out for a while because I would still be full from the night before).

I can feel this weight everywhere, in my veins, in my muscles (or lack thereof) and especially in my tummy where I not only have this bloated feeling usually, but that is where ALL of the extra poundage went. Dammit, it's big enough when I don't have 20 extra-extra pounds to lose. I would have even preferred it on my hips, or ass, or hell... give a girl a break and put it back where you took it all away - the chesticles here, a little even-ing out would help too. Please and thank you. (I had to put 'even-ing' so it didn't confuse the readers that I wanted an evening out... because frankly, right now at this weight I wouldn't really enjoy it.)

I'm actually a little excited about the whole South Beach diet. I am loathe to use the word 'diet' or even 'South Beach', but it's necessary at this point. I haven't gotten through the whole book, but I stayed up late trying. It's honestly given me a purpose again. Instead of sitting bored, ultimately thinking of all the food I shouldn't eat and then eating all of it, I can meal plan, figure out ways to eat no carbohydrate-filled foods for the next two weeks. It's a challenge and I like it. I like cooking, I just have somehow left it to the wayside because of a messy kitchen and the will to eat foods that are much easier to prepare (i.e. no preparation). It will be hard, especially having the strictest phase when I am studying. I am not sure if that is a recipe for disaster (not that I will fail, but that I will jumping off the walls with cravings), or if this is the perfect time to do it - otherwise I will be even more fat by the end of exam time. There is even one event - a dinner at a steakhouse next Thursday night, that I am already planning my meal for. Steak is the obvious choice, but I have to avoid the delicious fresh bread and the amazing fully loaded baked potato (that comes with every meal). It's doable though, and perfect that it's almost at the end of the two weeks, as I'll likely be - at the very least - a little motivated from the success the week prior. At least, that's the plan.

So today is Day 1 of Phase 1. Let's get the party started. I seriously need groceries...

2008-12-08T19:41:00.002-05:00

Wow... I can't believe it's December already. This year has just absolutely flown by. I am 5 exams away from being done my third semester at school and I can't wait for it to all end.

I've been studying hard the last week or so and I think I'll burn out long before the hard exam comes around (as it is my last one). My exam today went pretty well; this time I actually deserved to do well (sort of)... I typed up 44 pages (size 10 font, with increased margins) of notes and then made colourful notes on the notes and read them all over. I will admit that I watched about 2.5 seasons of 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia,' 5 episodes of '30 Rock' and caught up on this season's 'Dexter' at the same time, but I consider that a moot point. My next exam is on Wednesday afternoon, so eventually I'll get started on that. My marks are ridiculously good this semester (not in comparison to everyone else in the class, but to the last two semesters), so I'm not particularly worried about any of my exams this year. I'll get by, no matter what.

So I have a couple bits of news to get off my chest...
1) my friend recommended a 24hour gym in Toronto... but after wasting too much time trying to get the details and finding out that there is a year contract and a 40$ start up fee, I didn't go for it. I know 40$ isn't a lot, but after quitting Goodlife before my year contract was up would be 100$, so that, plus $40 initiation, then $40/month... And it's a drive away, as opposed to the Goodlife (which, yes... I do not go to) is only a 5 minute walk - so I just figured I shouldn't waste the money. Someday maybe, but not today. I frankly, should just get my ass to the Goodlife (plus the new gym didn't have massage chairs... but they did have air conditioning... decisions decisions!)

2) oh my god... I am addicted to buying things at Joe Fresh. (Loblaws/Canadian Superstore) - Sorry Americans, you're outta luck, but my god... this place is awesome. I happened to go in one (during my bulk barn adventure), bought some awesome long tank tops for $8, then I happen to go in again because I wanted some more tank tops (for a big girl, I need the length and good ones are impossible to find) and I bought 2 more, a hoodie for 10$, sweat pants for 10$ and a long t-shirt, henley shirts... not one thing over 12$!! I didn't even realize the awesome deals until I looked at the bill today. I need to go back (ahem... a third time) and get some more 10$ hoodies - they are cute and fit nicely... and I hope to god I don't find anything else I like. Man, am I a selfish shopper... I probably should find some Christmas gifts there too while I'm at it before I don't have any money left over for anyone else...

3) I decided today that I am going to try the South Beach Diet. This will be my first real 'diet' while I've been writing in this blog, but as we all know, I'm not doing too hot lately (... the past year). So it serves two purposes: helping me lose weight and also gives me an outlet for my boredom, something to concentrate on and hold fast to. I bought the book and will probably begin to read tonight (in between study sessions) and start meal planning (I bought a South Beach cookbook too - looks pretty good, surprisingly). I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow, so it is the perfect time to start over. I can do this. And now I am off school, maybe I'll try that gym thing again. Obviously, I'll let you know how it all works out. First step is a weigh-in tomorrow... god, I'm nervous.

2008-11-29T20:18:00.002-05:00

I've had quite an interesting adventure this evening...

After studying all day (and I do mean all day) at the library and at the pub across the street where I had my only meal of the day (burger/salad/sweet potato fries/beer), I had a craving for bulk barn candy. I decided that I had a long, productive day and I deserved it, even if it was a 20 minute drive away. So off I went to find myself a bulk barn. More than 20 minutes later I drive up to the door of the sweet haven (literally), a girl is walking out - so I think 'yay! still open'... and she locks the door behind her... Shit. I pondered what I would do, including heading to my local grocery store and getting treats (but they rarely have quite what I want)... I'm at the lights ready to turn towards home and I see a humongous grocery store right around the corner. So I hightail it there... I think it was partly because I didn't want to keep buying treats at my grocery store lest someone remember me for it. When I say this place was huge, I mean gigantor. They sold everything imaginable and (initially) instead of buying food, I got caught up in their clothes section buying workout gear (in which I will likely rarely work out). I eventually work my way past the food, having told myself that I wouldn't buy junk afterall, but I get this craving for trailmix, and fat(tier) yogurt than my usual. I grab those and saunter around for a bit, eventually picking up chocolate-covered raisins (something I had intended on buying at bulk barn), rasberries and the oddest purchase of the night was... a vegetable platter. So not too horrible, as long as I don't eat it all tonight. I mixed the chocolate raisins in with the trailmix so I won't pore them down my throat. So overall, I came out slightly ahead than if that damn bulk barn had been open...

Man, if only I was this determined about losing weight, I could totally do it.
And sidebar: why are there no 24 hour gyms in Toronto? Jeez, I hate this city.

2008-11-18T18:38:00.002-05:00

Update: 217.4lbs

I bought some free weights the other day, two fifteen pounders. Knowing me though, you know I have yet to use them. They are just sitting on the front seat of my car, gathering dust. My friend was helpful enough to give me some ideas in how to use them - biceps, triceps, shoulders, back. I trust him, he himself lost 100lbs when he was a lot younger, and is pretty damn fit. Kinda hot too, but let's not speak of that now. We were talking about running, rowing and boxing. For a long while I've been thinking about doing some boxing. I love the idea of it; sweating your ass off, working your entire body. I don't really want to physically spar (I like my nose the way it is), but I like the idea of all the training. I don't know when or if I'll do it, but the thought has been in my mind for a long while.

Ironically after discussing that with my friend, I was sent the link to an article about a boxer who lost a ton of weight. Pretty inspiring and like it was meant to be a little motivation for me. Makes me consider looking into boxing a little more. The link the author sent me is down now, but I found another link to the article through the greatness of the interweb. Depending on costs and location, boxing might be an option to get a little more active now that softball is done and gone.

For now, I should get my ass to the gym... and make sure (at the very least) to grab the free weights off my car seats.

2008-11-17T16:33:00.003-05:00

I've given myself up to the flow... I was overreacting last week about everything and it was not a productive way to get me back into eating better (or living better even). The last couple of days have actually been better for me. I have some bad stuff (tostitos, dark chocolate and I still have some social tea cookies) in the cupboard, but the last two days I haven't wanted much of it. In fact I'd say I ate a reasonable amount without going overboard. I can't say that's happened in a long while. I really just didn't want to eat any more of it (surprisingly). What is even more amazing is that it was while I was studying. Usually I want to stuff my face as fast and as full as possible during those sessions.

I'm not saying it's all better now, because it's really not. Something is missing, that spark from the first couple months that had everything just 'click' together. I think I have lost the 'why' of it all. Why am I losing weight? I know the answers that everyone fat says: to be healthy, to buy clothes in regular stores, to feel better about myself etc. And the answers that only some people say: to be attractive, to feel sexy, to prove to myself I can do it, to show them all I can do it. I just honestly don't know what my reason(s) are any more. Each of the ones above are all true in some way, but also not. So I have to do a bit of soul-searching here and find that place that I found myself in at 260lbs.

2008-11-11T06:38:00.002-05:00

Who knew that 1500 was so few calories? It's barely enough for three well-balanced meals, at least that how it feels these days. But this morning I reduced it even more, I think I have to force myself to eat (significantly) less just to get me jump started. If I can eat 1200 successfully, well then 1500 is a gift - as opposed to my usual 2200 calories per day.

I can see myself partaking in practices that are contrary to how I have previously lost weight. Like not exercising. That particular issue is the fly in my ointment right now. I *want* to exercise, but I also *want* to get to bed at a reasonable time and *want* to get my school work done. Excuses, excuses, but these go through my mind when the exercise vs. sitting-on-my-ass debate begins. I have also not been eating the frozen berries at breakfast like I used to, I still eat yogurt and fruit and all-bran buds - but those frozen strawberries, blueberries and raspberries seemed to help me start the day in an especially healthful way. I also changed back to light peanut butter from the natural kind, not really a huge deal but by eating the 'healthier' version (healthier being the natural kind) I felt like I was doing more for my body. I started slipping margarine on my toast again (and even under my cheese), I stopped paying attention to the amount of salt I intake and drinking less water. I bought cookies, never mind that they are only social tea biscuits, they are still things I don't need, and really can't control myself in eating. I have also started eating later at night. When I was losing weight, 7pm was the bell. No food after this time; instead I would end up drinking ridiculous amounts of water, and I would see a loss the next day.

Shall I agree to exercise tonight? If I get out of class before 6pm tonight, I promise to go to the gym. I promise to go on the elliptical for at least 20minutes, run for at least 10minutes, stairclimb for at least 10minutes and do free weights if the beefy guys aren't taking up all the space (weight machines if they are). And THEN I will sit my ass down in a massage chair and relax for a bit. I just hope (kinda) that my lab lets out early.

Alright, off to get ready for school.

2008-11-07T06:56:00.003-05:00

Update: 217.8lbs

Not quite as horrible as I expected, but I'm still a long way off from that 'under 200lbs' goal.

It's been a good morning, but it's only 7am. It's easy to be good when you've only been up for an hour.

2008-11-06T21:45:00.002-05:00

Why do I suck so bad at this? It's been almost a year that I have just stagnated... and even gained a bit of weight. A year. Imagine I had lost 45 pounds in this past year (and technically I lost 55lbs last year, not counting the gains)... I would almost be at my goal weight. That really sucks to think about, but I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. I've been allowing myself to eat bigger portions, eat out more often, avoid the scale when I choose to. What causes the lack of motivation? Lack of time, too much time, boredom, procrastination, gluttony etc. The want to be thinner is always present in me at some basal level, but it's easy to ignore a feeling that's always there. I am depending on an extraordinary feeling to get me through this journey, but it's obvious that it's not really easily maintained. I become comfortable and lax. My body must freak out during this unmotivated time, as I exercise sporadically and with varying degrees of effort. I build up my muscles just to let them atrophy a week or two later. I eat well one week (... or day) just to stuff my craw with salt and fat the next day. Some days I eat very little and others I eat 3 or 4 times a normal daily intake. My body is confused, and fuck, so am I. I can do this, that is not the issue. I like to exercise, I like feeling hydrated, I like cooking, I like fruits, I like feeling strong, I like feeling energized. Why are these reasons not enough when faced with a cookie? Once that cookie is eaten (and usually 3 others with it), I usually regret it - it never tastes as good as it looks. I've been having pretty severe salt cravings lately which I suppose has to do with my lack of water intake. I eat instead of drinking. I eat instead of studying. I eat too much. I've been slowly incorporating more vegetables in the diet, but it doesn't act as negative calories towards the tortilla chips, cheese, cookies etc. If only.

I briefly considered going the Adipex route, seeing that Fat Bridesmaid is having such great success with it. However, hypertension is a contraindication, and honestly I am a little scared of taking anything that has the ability to be addictive. I don't think I have an addictive personality, but I'd prefer not to test that theory out.

So, I need a do-over of this past year. I need to feel good about myself once again. I obviously know what needs to be done, it's just about doing it!
Exercise! Water! Vegetables! Calorie counting! Avoiding cookies/cake/chips etc.!

I'll start with one good day. And I hope that day will lead to a second good day. I'll post the very scary weight tomorrow morning and we'll go from there. The year is not over yet.

2008-11-03T23:43:00.002-05:00

Just a quick note:
I:
-played almost 2 hours of volleyball this evening and have bruised forearm bones because of it
-drank 6 glasses of water, but will force the last two before bed - no worries, I think I have finally grown into my bladder
-still ate some halloween candy, sadistically provided by my teacher
-will attempt to never eat halloween candy again (until next halloween)
-surprisingly, ate under calories overall
-would be a skinny person if I lost of pound every time I cried while laughing (usually at completely and ridiculously inappropriate comments - such as guinea pig surgery and wondering if they need to call in 'guinea pig specialists' from Europe to oversee the operation (the guinea pig in question had kidney stones) - huh.. more ridiculous than inappropriate and completely less funny when you write it down).
-was thinking about going 30 days without fried food including potato chips, fries, chicken mcnuggets, and doughnuts. Fuck it, let's do it. I've got nothing to lose but weight... not sure if I can go without chocolate for that long though... I couldn't even make it through the day.

2008-11-02T09:06:00.002-05:00

Wow I've been busy busy this past week and a half...

Some numbers to consider in the last 10 days:

Meals purchased: 6 (5 of them being dinners)
Fun-sized candies consumed: 460 (okay... probably closer to 45)
Lunches made: 3
glasses of water consumed per day: 3
Days exercised: 0
Beers drank: 6 (on Halloween)
Days bowled: 1

So obviously not a week of progress. Part of it was definitely my fault, otherwise it was just circumstance. My dad randomly called me last Saturday morning to see if I wanted to head to the cottage with him, so my planned day of going to the gym was gone, although I did rake leaves while I was up there, but it certainly not enough - and we went out to dinner. The next day I had told my mom I would visit her and because she doesn't cook or do anything interesting day-to-day (and she didn't want to go see a movie), we went out for dinner too.

Anyways, I am so glad that week is over. I am tired of spending money on food. I get suckered into these events because I don't have the willpower to just say no and then go home and make my own meals. I think it's the loneliness of being at home by myself (and boredom), I want to be out with my friends, and if that requires me to consume a thousand extra calories, well then, at that moment it's worth it. Eugh... and I feel the sluggishness again. Blah!

Halloween was fun, but it's always way over-hyped. I'm not the type anymore to slut myself out (not that I ever really was... but I always wanted to be that girl back in the day). I rented a costume this year which was the easiest thing to do. It was ridiculously frustrating when I couldn't fit into a lot of the costumes that I was interested in (like a flapper, or Dorothy), so I had to adjust. I ended up being a Dutch girl, which was fun (and pretty comfortable), and surprisingly no one else at the packed bar (that I could see) was dressed the same. But it certainly wasn't as attention-getting as my friends with their boobs out. And it's always a little embarrassing and saddening to be the only friend without a little bit of male attention. But overall it was a good night of dancing and seeing my friends.

This week the goal is to:

-write in this blog everyday
-drink 8 glasses of water a day
-continue to take my multivitamin (I've been very good so far)
-make EVERY meal at home
-exercise everyday in some way

I just need to jumpstart things back to the way they should be. And break the carbohydrate cycle! This weeks is supposed to have really nice temperatures.. so no excuses not to get outside in some way or another.

2008-10-22T07:14:00.002-04:00

Ahh... almost done! One more midterm (on Thursday afternoon) and I can relax for a couple of weeks... I imagine myself cleaning my place again, putting away my clothes, and cooking! (and eating the food that I cook) I really haven't eaten any vegetables in the past two months, unless it was by accident. I feel a little guilty about that because I technically buy vegetables on each grocery trip, but I let them all wither and liquefy in my refridgerator. Bad, bad Briana.

My less-than-healthy eating hasn't really affected the weight loss in the last couple days. I still eat under my calorie allowance (~1500) and try to drink as much water as possible. The weight was down to an amazing 212.4lbs this morning. So only 12.4 more pounds before the end of December (ideally, I'd like to see it off before then), which is completely doable - about 2 more pounds this month, and then 5lbs per month in November and December. Then onto Onederland. Whoo!

Both Monday and Tuesday nights were rainy, disgusting nights, so I will admit I did not force myself to go out in that. Everyone has a cold these days and I didn't want to lessen the immune system by heading out there - okay... this really wasn't even a consideration at the time, it was mostly just laziness.
With the dark mornings and the really dark evenings, I think I might have to re-think running outside. The gym is just down the street, I just need to get my ass there before it closes at 10pm - this shouldn't be too difficult for me, but apparently I make it so. Well, one more day and I'll test this ability out. Let's see if I can run 3km without collapsing face-first on the moving treadmill...

2008-10-20T19:07:00.002-04:00

I had a really good day today; my first class was cancelled (8am class too!), I found out I am completely disease-free after getting some test results back (not that I was truly worried - I'm not exactly slutty), I got 96% on a practical exam, and despite eating an Aero bar, I am a little under calories today. Sweet!

Oh yeah, and this morning I also lost a bit of water weight that was holding on to my flab for dear life during the lovely period-week, so now the weight is 214lbs. Couldn't have been a better day.

I am hoping to get out for a run tonight if I can get some studying done both for my last midterm on Thursday and my last practical tomorrow night. So close to being done - luckily the stress has immensely reduced since Friday. On to more important things... like weight loss and exercising.

I went bra shopping on Saturday and I was very disappointed to see that my boobs no longer fill a D cup. And to make things worse, I still need a 40 inch band, which seems to be available in one colour and one style. Bloody boobs. Considering I have been fat most of my life (if not all), I unusually never developed the massive chesticles that my sister certainly received (perhaps she received my share too). And now that they are slowly disappearing it just makes me that much more unhappy. It's really my least favourite thing about losing weight (and there are MANY things I don't like about weight loss). Breast augmentation may someday be part of my future if my body continues to take fat only from my chest (jeez, do I really need back fat? there isn't really any *purpose* for it - it's not like I store water back there!).

Alright, on to studying...

2008-10-19T13:54:00.002-04:00

God, the relief I felt at 12pm on Friday was immense. Two midterms (Wednesday and Thursday), a practical and a group written project due Friday. I think I spent the most time on the written project, which was unacceptable considering there were 8 other people in the group, but that's my perfectionism coming out. But, by the end I couldn't give a flying shit, it was done and I was done. And as far as I could tell everything went well. No tears were shed this past week, but pounds were definitely gained.

Wednesday night was my most stressful because I knew how important the midterm on Thursday was. And when I get stressed and I have to keep awake - I eat. Mini-candy bars and spicy quesadilla tostitos with sour cream (soo good) were my vices. I did stay up and manage to continue studying for the night, but man, I need to find myself some willpower.

While walking home from school on Friday afternoon I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. I had spent the past week and a half worrying about all of this and once it was over, I just didn't know what to do next. I finally decided to go see a movie (Max Payne - not really good) and eat the popcorn I had been fantasizing about last weekend. I never eat as much of it as I think I will - in fact I left 2/3rds of the bag untouched, but I did eat glosette peanuts AND a Wendy's hamburger and frosty on the way home. It was a nice relaxing night, although I regret eating the hamburger (it was so thin and horrible).

I stopped at the bookstore on the way home and looked at books for hours (I could have been there for days). If only I had a billion dollars and free time to read it all. I ended up buying 'A Confederacy of Dunces', 'A Fraction of the Whole' and then Dennis Lehane's newest release 'The Given Day'. I'll let it be known that I love Dennis Lehane. I received one of his books for my 16th birthday and since then I have read every single one of his books (minus the collection of short stories) more than once. The movies don't always do the books justice (Gone, Baby Gone and Mystic River). I haven't started it yet, but when I do, I'll let you know if it's any good. And heck, I figure reading is good, it keeps my hands out of the fridge.

I woke up Saturday without an alarm clock (my favourite way to wake up) and I went for a walk. It was a beautiful Fall day and I ran as much as I could (I think it was about 2km) and the total distance was over 8km and took me 2 hours. The first half of the day went really well and then I had a dinner outing planned to the Mandarin with my sister and some of her friends. It was good.. but it was the Mandarin, so I am determined to make today count towards one of the 'good' ones. I'm sick of hearing myself talk about this.

2008-10-14T22:21:00.002-04:00

Nothing ever goes quite the way I plan - and honestly it doesn't, I've said this more than once. I am not sure if what actually happened was an improvement or not.

First of all, I never had the pumpkin pie blizzard, nor did I go to a movie and stuff my face with buttery popcorn. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I didn't want them, or that I exerted overwhelming self-control... because I didn't. It was just because I didn't have the opportunity - time just slipped from my fingers this weekend.

Although all this sounds great for my diet, I made up for it in other ways - i.e. by eating chips and dip on Friday and Saturday night. On Sunday I went for breakfast with my mom and then had the thanksgiving dinner at my dad's.

I definitely didn't eat as much as I usually would and that's because... well... it just wasn't my mom's cooking. I know it sounds very thankless and whiney, but I miss my mom's perfect turkey and stuffing and the gravy made from flour (sorry, but corn starch just doesn't cut it for me!). And my dad's fiancee didn't even put out pumpkin pie for dessert (because we had birthday cake for my sister)!.... What up with that? You can't NOT have pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving... it's just not allowed (and they had some in the fridge too)... so I just ate a piece later on. Screw that.

My old roomie called me on Saturday to see if I wanted to get together on Monday while she was still in Ontario and obviously I said yes (screw the studying). So we met halfway between our respective homes and had some (mediocre) diner food, but it was sooo good to see her. I miss my roommates (well... on the weekends anyway). To waste some more time we just GPS'ed parks and went exploring. I didn't have a lot of time to spend with her because I had to get back to studying.

Frankly it all just made me bitter. I spent most of the long weekend studying and then when not studying I was worrying about studying. I didn't want school to ruin the only Thanksgiving day weekend I get all year and the one time per semester that I see my old roomie. Fracking school!
All that bitterness (and lack of sleeping in) culminated in a day off from school today... to study.

I had also planned to be super on-track today, but never really ate anything that I had initially planned for. I managed to stay within calories even if what I ate wasn't exactly the most healthful. I also took a break today to vote in the federal election and after being outside for a few minutes, I decided to say screw it to studying (my midterm is tomorrow morning) and go for a walk. I went out for about an hour and ran for 1.86km (in a row!... OUTside!). It sure did feel like a heck of a lot longer... I was sure it would be 2km, but it's better than I've done outside before.